Will contact really resolve anything?

24 Oct

I’m kind of at an unpleasant crossroads.

I saw my counsellor last night, which gave my brain a much-needed massage. My counsellor believes that I need to resolve things with my ex in some way. She thinks he needs to know the impact that all of this has had on me, and that I need for him to know that too. Oh, it’s so complicated, isn’t it?

I was caught completely off-guard when we broke up. One day he was using phrases like, “If we had a daughter..”, and “If we were married…”, and a few days later he arrived home from New York, came over to my flat, ate half a pizza (I still struggle to understand how he digested this under the circumstances), and broke my heart into a zillion pieces. At the time I was in shock. When we spoke five weeks later, honestly, I was still in shock. Months later, there are things still going round and round and round in my head that I wish I had said. It’s hard to be articulate when you’re struggling to breathe.

From the start I’ve told my counsellor I’m not sure that I can put myself through any communication with him. I don’t want it to feel raw again. And if I was to actually see him, well, it would be devastating. I’m still completely in love with him. I would definitely be holding out some kind of desperado hope that he would see me and realise he wanted me back. In the words of the oh-so-clever Taylor Swift, “I can’t say hello again and risk another goodbye.”

I told her (my counsellor, not Taylor Swift) that seeing him would destroy me. I’d break down, and then I’d look pathetic and be unable to express myself anyway.

And she smiled, and said, “Yes, this time you need to be in control. This time, you need to eat the pizza first.”

18 Responses to “Will contact really resolve anything?”

  1. thewholeheartedblog October 24, 2013 at 12:45 pm #

    Our situations are all to similiar. I saw my ex a few weeks ago and I couldn’t even keep eye contact or say more than two words. My counselor doesn’t believe I am ready to see my ex yet, but I have the same hopes as you do. That they will fall back in love if they see you. I want to be able to let her know what she did to me at some point and get closure for my own good. I don’t think I am ready yet though. Do it when you are ready and take control. I know I need to next time.

    • aprileb October 24, 2013 at 12:52 pm #

      We’re in very similar situations, aren’t we? I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to think I never had the opportunity to put my view across, but if I imagine sitting across a table from him, all I can think is how much I love him and miss him. Sigh. I think you’re counsellor is right – you need to be ready. Maybe we won’t be ready til we give up the hope of getting them back?

      • thewholeheartedblog October 24, 2013 at 1:30 pm #

        And that hope will be there for awhile. I imagine forever for myself. Sounds hopeless but it’s honest. Although I feel like I am not ready to face her, but I’be decided to do the letter route. I think it’s personal and gives you time to say the right thing and have some sort of control. I feel like after she reads the letter she has the choice to contact me back. If she doesn’t then it truly is over. Maybe a letter might help you.

      • aprileb October 24, 2013 at 1:34 pm #

        It’s an interesting idea. My counsellor did say I had options other than seeing him face-to-face. Let me know if you do it and how you get on. For now I’m just going to keep focusing on me. Next project is to redecorate my flat so that it doesn’t remind me of him and so that I actually want to spend time there. I don’t know if that glimmer of hope will ever go either. But you know what? I’m glad I’m the kind of person that keeps a little glimmer of hope alive. Remember you posted about the vulnerability Ted Talk? That’s you and me all over. But wouldn’t you rather be a wholehearted person? I would.

      • thewholeheartedblog October 25, 2013 at 4:17 am #

        You are right. I would definitely be wholehearted than running away from our problems. Seems to be the choice of path of my ex. Just out of curiosity, why does your counselor believe you should talk him and tell him what he has done to you? There must be some sort of reason. I will let you know how it goes with the letter I send. I have numerous drafts written up and keep chickening out when I think I am ready to give it to her. So we will see if I even do give her the letter this weekend..

      • aprileb October 25, 2013 at 8:26 am #

        Are you seeing her this weekend? Good luck with it. My counsellor says I have a lot of unresolved things I’m still trying to deal with and that I need to have my voice heard in all of this. For his emotional development and for my own. I said that maybe having my voice heard means making it clear that I never want to see him again. But she says he’s getting away with everything without having to deal with the consequences and that’s not good for either of us. I thought I would reach the point when I just didn’t care anymore, but we’re nearly three months in and I just don’t think that is going to happen.

      • thewholeheartedblog October 25, 2013 at 1:39 pm #

        I thought I would reach the point where I don’t care anymore ny this time too. I feel like I need the unresolved things to be talked about already. So I may see her this weekend to give her stuff and hopefully she will take the dog to get groomed. She is flaky though, that is the big issue. She will say she is free to meet up and then I won’t hear from her.

  2. intothebeauty October 24, 2013 at 12:58 pm #

    Ugh, yes. I’ve been there. Making contact honestly doesn’t solve anything. I’ve been there and I’ve done it. I’m quite sure your ex has to know how this is impacting you. I feel as though if you guys made contact, you’d be talking in circles about the same things you spoke about the last time. I think making contact can only be done when your ready. And most importantly, when you can hold it together and say exactly what you need to say. I’m sure it must have been difficult the last few times you spoke because you were still so worked up. No wonder why you have so much more to say! When you’re ready, lady. When you’re ready.

    • aprileb October 24, 2013 at 1:18 pm #

      I’ve left it with my counsellor that I’ll see how I feel after my holiday (I’m going to Florida in two weeks – woo hooooo). I’m definitely not doing anything before that because he is NOT going to ruin any part of me lying in the sun, reading and eating for two weeks. No way. I think the key word here is “ready”. How do you ever know if you’re ready for that? Anyway, thanks for the advice. I love that I can post this stuff on here and get such insightful and expert advice from you guys x

      • intothebeauty October 24, 2013 at 3:05 pm #

        Ah that’s awesome! What a great therapy-Sunshine!

        There really isn’t a time when one is ready for that. My ex came to my birthday celebration in May for the last 10 minutes the bar was open. It was the first time I had seen him since that night he ended it and it was really, really awkward. And sad. But I had a few drinks in me, so I wasn’t that upset until I woke up the next morning and BAWLED my eyes out. That’s how I knew I could never see him again. Even now, after all this time and all of this growing I’ve done I think if I saw him I’d still be very sad. I don’t know. The grey areas of life are so confusing. You think you’re over it until you’re put in that position of being face to face with the heart break and all of those wounds open up again. I always wonder if I’ll ever be able to see him without feeling that way.

  3. Just Someone October 24, 2013 at 1:22 pm #

    I do not know if it solves anything or not, but the pain is definitely much less after hearing her side of story. It ended on such a bad note that there were lot of negative feelings and unanswered questions. Once i started writing the blog n she started reading it, we are in touch on whatsapp. It helped both of us in understanding why we did, what we did in the last stages of the relationship. So for me, it worked well. The only problem is, I miss her too much and she keeps clouding my thought every moment. But the feeling is positive. I feel bad that she is not with me, but I am happy that she is happy. That should be enough 😉

    But, even then we can’t risk meeting or talking to each other!

  4. luciddream85 October 24, 2013 at 1:23 pm #

    I love what she said. That phrase shall go down in the books. I think that you should have that closure, but you do it when you’re ready; when you know that you can be stern and tell him what a tool-bag he is for what he did to you. The fact that he’s already on a dating site looking for someone else to destroy, shows that he doesn’t care who he hurts.

    Karma is gonna suck for that man one day. And you? You’ll be happy.

    • aprileb October 24, 2013 at 1:27 pm #

      Awww, thank you, lovely. I might get the ‘Eat the pizza first’ framed, you know? We’ll all get to be happy one day. x

  5. Aussa Lorens October 24, 2013 at 1:47 pm #

    I’m not a fan of making contact. I think it’s more important that YOU process the pain he caused you– he’s an ass and it’s not your job to make him understand the consequences of his ass-y behavior. It can be helpful to write a letter (a full out rant if necessary) detailing how you feel/what he did to you and all of that. But don’t send it. Burn it or keep it somewhere hidden away, knowing that someday you will pull it out and think “Wow… I haven’t thought about this in FOREVER.”

    I can’t caution enough against letting someone like this gain a foothold in your life again. Not worth it!

    • aprileb October 24, 2013 at 1:49 pm #

      I like the idea of writing the letter but not sending it. Immediately afterwards, in the days when I literally couldn’t do anything, I wrote a long rant and then just left it on my laptop, unsent. It was therapeutic. It would be interesting to revisit this now, nearly three months on. Like you say, hopefully one day I’ll feel it was forever ago. Thanks for the advice! x

  6. jadedwildcat October 24, 2013 at 4:03 pm #

    April, why don’t you write a letter to him on here? I get that it might be something you’d want to keep private but, even I’ve been thinking of doing the same thing, just to get certain thoughts and feelings out…
    I really *really* don’t know if seeing your ex at this time could be a good thing. After your holiday you may feel more up to it but, definitely not now. I have a feeling you might wind up experiencing a repeat of the last time you spoke and wouldn’t be able to really detangle your thoughts properly – unless you prepared ahead of time what you were gonna say, like a speech!?
    Seems unnatural.
    Most important is that no one would want to see you put yourself out there again, shaking and vulnerable, in case it doesn’t go well… =(

    • aprileb October 24, 2013 at 7:31 pm #

      Hmmm. It might be a good idea, writing a letter to him on here. I guess, much as I am one for sharing my emotions, this is probably the hardest, most deep-rooted and personal letter I’ll ever have written. To think of it just being out there in cyberspace, it doesn’t feel write. Which I know makes me a hypocrite as I’ve spent months spilling my guts on here. Something about this feels different. Does that make any sense?

      You’re right, though. I don’t want to go through everything again. I can’t. I don’t think I have it in me to go through it again. X

  7. elizabethhiggins October 24, 2013 at 7:39 pm #

    I just wanna tell youuuuu! It takes everything in me, not to call youuuuu!

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