Tag Archives: closure

Will contact really resolve anything?

24 Oct

I’m kind of at an unpleasant crossroads.

I saw my counsellor last night, which gave my brain a much-needed massage. My counsellor believes that I need to resolve things with my ex in some way. She thinks he needs to know the impact that all of this has had on me, and that I need for him to know that too. Oh, it’s so complicated, isn’t it?

I was caught completely off-guard when we broke up. One day he was using phrases like, “If we had a daughter..”, and “If we were married…”, and a few days later he arrived home from New York, came over to my flat, ate half a pizza (I still struggle to understand how he digested this under the circumstances), and broke my heart into a zillion pieces. At the time I was in shock. When we spoke five weeks later, honestly, I was still in shock. Months later, there are things still going round and round and round in my head that I wish I had said. It’s hard to be articulate when you’re struggling to breathe.

From the start I’ve told my counsellor I’m not sure that I can put myself through any communication with him. I don’t want it to feel raw again. And if I was to actually see him, well, it would be devastating. I’m still completely in love with him. I would definitely be holding out some kind of desperado hope that he would see me and realise he wanted me back. In the words of the oh-so-clever Taylor Swift, “I can’t say hello again and risk another goodbye.”

I told her (my counsellor, not Taylor Swift) that seeing him would destroy me. I’d break down, and then I’d look pathetic and be unable to express myself anyway.

And she smiled, and said, “Yes, this time you need to be in control. This time, you need to eat the pizza first.”