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And then my best friend asked me to marry him

22 Aug

My dearest blogger friends, again it has been the longest time since I updated you on the surprising tale of the Pizza of Doom.

I keep thinking I’ll just finish. I’ll just stop writing and be done. After all, this was a place to play out my agony with nobody to judge and everybody to empathize. I have no need to write here anymore. Years have gone by since the only relief I got from the pain was putting it out here on cyberspace.

But when I got my annual reminder to update my WordPress payment details in order to keep this domain name, I just couldn’t walk away and let my little blog disappear into oblivion. And, of course, being a nostalgic and self-reflective cat, I started to read the story of April four years ago.

It reminded me that back in those dark, dark days, reading the blogs of others who had been through similar experiences kept me sane. Or maybe I wasn’t entirely sane, but it made me feel sane. It made me feel less lonely. It gave me hope. Just a slither. But hope, nonetheless.

So for any broken, bashed and bruised hearts out there, I want to keep telling you my story, however ad hoc my blogging status may be.

Just over three weeks ago, on the rooftop of our apartment in Brooklyn, my best friend, soul mate, and love of my life asked me to marry him. I sit here writing to you today with a ring on my finger and a heart – and life – full of love and happiness and excitement for the future. I never thought this day would come. It was something for “other people”. It was something “unfathomable”. It was something that passed me by when karma forgot me.

You know, back in that blurry hell of heartbreak, I remember people telling me that I would look back and laugh at it. I don’t. I look back and cry, because it hurt like f***. But I also look back and know that it prepared me for everything else. It made me, well, me. And I like me.

Now, I do realize that life won’t always be smooth and sunny sailing. I know there will be hard times, and tough times, and downright bad times. But I thought nobody would ever love me, and that I wasn’t capable of loving anyone. As it turns out, I fell in love with the greatest human of all.

And if you think that’s good… wait for it… we also got a cat.

 

Surprise

6 Mar

I’m pretty confident that nobody will read this post since I disappeared off the face of the earth for 18 months. I can’t just waltz in and out your blogging lives like this.

If anyone does read, I wanted to update you on life because this sad little blog has a happy, happy ending.

And I’m going to write more. I’m going to write my happily ever after. But today – for reasons I won’t go into – I read a few old posts. They broke my heart. For myself. For poor, agitated, heartbroken me just trying to get through the day and living the agony out here on WordPress. And for those who went through it with me, with their own scars to bare. And for anyone putting jaunty little terms such as “How can I get over a broken heart?” into the Google and landing here on Pizza of Doom.

I am struggling to even remember how to use WordPress. It’s been entirely too long.

But the short version of the past 18 months is this: I am living in Brooklyn and working in Manhattan. I don’t miss London, but I do miss my friends. Work is great. I’m traveling a ton. I’m getting pretty good at copywriting in American English complete with missing “u”s and “z”s over “s”s. I’ve made great new friends. I’ve put on a humiliating amount of weight, but – hey – the food in this country is too delicious and plentiful. I’ve also met a wonderful creature in the form of my boyfriend. The love of my life – my best friend and absolute soul mate. He was made for me. I truly believe he’s the reason I had to go through everything I went through. To get me to here. Both physically and emotionally. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

My dear blogger cats, I hope you are all doing wonderfully. I wish happiness and love and amazing things for all of you.

And I promise to start a new blog. Maybe something a little lighter like being a Brit in NYC. I don’t think pain and sadness becomes me. Damn, maybe I’ll just blog about The Bachelor. What those girls could learn from me…

 

Two years gone by

31 Aug

Hmmm. Not sure if anyone will read this post. I’m not sure what any of my readers are up to these days. It’s been a very long time. So long, in fact, that WordPress has kind of changed and I’m not entirely sure how to use it anymore.

As if to prove that point, my screen keeps freezing. But I’ll keep writing anyway. Because that’s what we do.

It’s been two years and 28 days since the Pizza of Doom, dear friends. Is it pathetic that I know that? Probably. But bear with me. I promise, I’ve done you proud.

Two years ago right now I was still a mess. The man I thought I was going to marry had broken my heart. I was about to start a terrifying new job. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. A lot of the time, I was struggling just to breathe. I know that sounds ever so dramatic, but the pain was physical. And deep.

A year ago I wasn’t sure that I would ever get over what had happened. I was frustrated by my inability to move on. I was angry and bored, and I felt that life had let me down terribly.

Well, dear buddies, I stand before you today (or write before you, I suppose) a new and very happy woman.

Have I met someone?

Nope.

I’ve had a few comical dates. I’ve had a bit of a fling with someone. But I feel so detached from the world of relationships that the very concept of having a boyfriend never really crosses my mind.

So here’s what is going on:

  • Work is good. I’ve worked hard, and I’m enjoying it. I’m travelling lots, I’m meeting new people. It’s exciting.
  • I’m exercising. I swim pretty much every morning. I’m doing Kayla Itsines too. OK, I’m only on week 2, but that’s something. I walk about 9 miles a day. And I’m still loving yoga too.
  • I went to Japan on my own for a month. It was incredible. It scared me, and surprised me, and delighted me. It left me unafraid, with an appetite for travel. And sushi.
  • And the biggest news of all – next month I’m moving to New York. I’m transferring with my work and starting over stateside. Am I terrified? Of course I am. But I’ve come to realise that the scariest things usually work out the best in life.

So I wanted to write today, because it is more than two years, just to say that I’m doing fine now. And, if you happen to stumble upon Pizza of Doom because you’re feeling sad and heartbroken and reaching out into cyberspace, then I can promise you that it will get better.

But, remember, nobody else is responsible for your happiness. Just you.

Very little can happen in a month

23 Oct

So, just what has been going on in life that has been keeping me so busy? Oh, I’m sure you are expecting tales of amazingness. I’ve no doubt been to exotic locations and done loads of amazing work and met amazing people and been on amazing dates and done amazing snogging and maybe even had some sex.

Nope.

I’ve mostly been working. Travelling to places like Nottingham. Keeping myself busy with yoga and swimming. Doing handstands. Hell yeah.

Let me try and make my life sound marginally more interesting by breaking things into three categories: The Good News, The Bad News, and the News I Am Yet to Write.

The Good News

The good news is I don’t have cancer or any pre-cancerous cells. Yayyyy for my cervix. I need to go back every six months until my body proves that we’re planning on staying that way. But it was a massive relief. And I want to say a big “thank you, you lovely people” to all the buddies who messaged me with best wishes and to tell me everything would be OK. I was scared, and it helped.

The Bad News

Yup, pretty sure I’ll never get over my ex. I haven’t been on any dates since the incredibly boring man. I’ve been mulling a lot. Thinking about a future alone. Scaring myself. And then I just say, “screw it” and focus on work, or making my flat feel autumnal and lovely. Both of which are marvellous distractions, but don’t actually stop the deep down uncertainty and fear of never meeting someone.

The News I Am Yet to Write

So, I figure, I need to change. I need to do something that will take me out of myself and shift me one way or another. It’s been 14 long months since the Pizza of Doom and I still cry over him. Not. OK. Which is why I’m planning on taking a month off work next year and going to Japan. On my own. Scary? Yes. Exciting? For sure. And hopefully I’ll come back a changed woman and able to actually move on with life.

I’m not going ’til May next year. But hang on til then, and I can assure you this blog is going to get a lot more exciting.

In the meantime, I’ve missed you all very much. Thanks for bearing with me. I am trying.

Someone to rub

13 Sep

Intimacy is a strange and spectacular thing. Not just knowing each other’s stuff: when her period is, how his movements smell after a curry, all the sex stuff. But touching. Simply touching.

Take that away from people in couples and just see how they do without a hand to hold, a finger to stroke their face, a chest to rest your head on.

I have bad period pains. I was up at 4am with them, I nearly passed out this afternoon and ended up back on my sofa with a hot water bottle.

I’ve given up and I’m in bed at 9 on a Saturday.

What I would give for someone to rub my back.

It’s been a year since I spoke to my ex

8 Sep

On this day last year, my ex and I spoke for the last time. He decided it was appropriate to do this the day before I started my new job. Asshole. 

We talked on the phone for two hours. I cried and told him for me our relationship had been genuine. He cried and told me he had never been in love with me. 

Eventually we said goodbye, hung up, and I went into town to buy shoes for my bridesmaid dress that I would be wearing to my best friend’s wedding a week later. I remember a couple standing beside me in the shoe shop looking at bridal shoes. I remember being vaguely aware that I was crying. 

I don’t remember anything else until I was sitting on the bus on the way to work the next day. Crying. And realised I was going to be 20 minutes late for the first day of my new job. 

A year later I’m really enjoying my job. And I’m going to celebrate that fact tomorrow with a cupcake. And an Aperol Spritz. 

Yay me. 

 

 

 

TGIF

8 Aug

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This week has been so busy. I have been rushed off my paws. I have had not a moment to write.

But it’s Friday. I listened to Beyonce on the way to work and I am now at my desk with a massive coffee. Life ain’t bad.