Archive | November, 2013

Love

29 Nov

I read this passage from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin at my sister’s wedding, nearly seven years ago.

I came across it again today, and it made such sense to me. It also highlighted how ignorant of love my ex was. To say you love someone who is your best friend, who you find attractive, who you “know you could have such a nice life with”, but to throw it away because you were not “completely in love”. Dumbass.

I was emailing an old friend today. He’s about ten years older than me, married, kids. I updated him on the pizza of doom, on the reasons my ex gave for it all. It made him angry. Firstly, because I rock. Which we all know is a true story. Secondly, because, “being completely in love takes years of work.” I have a feeling that is a true story too.

I would have put in the work. But I guess some people are just lazy.

Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two. ~ Louis de Bernieres

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Do you believe in life after love?

29 Nov

Skip to about 0.55 when she actually starts singing.

It makes me cry.

Also, Nicole Scherzinger’s breakdown afterwards just goes to show – even celebrities have to put up with this sh**.

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Living in a shell

28 Nov

I saw a friend tonight. We ate burgers to celebrate Thanksgiving. We caught up on work news and gossip and dating stories (his, not mine). It was a really nice evening, and courgette fries were involved (always a bonus). But I found it kind of exhausting.

It’s something I’m noticing more and more when I see my friends. And I’m not entirely sure how to describe it. It’s almost as if I’m not me. Like I can see and hear myself smiling and laughing and talking and telling stories, but I don’t feel attached to that April. I feel like a smaller April, somewhere deep inside this shell. I feel detached from my edges.

I guess you could say I’m putting on a brave face, or putting on an act.

It kind of feels like more than that, though. It kind of feels like I’ve forgotten how to be me, but I’m desperately trying to remember.

At times I’m on auto-pilot, talking about work or laughing at old jokes, when inside I’m yelling out, “I feel awful.” For some reason, I’m too ashamed to say it out loud.

I really liked the old me. I hope she comes back soon.

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Giving thanks

28 Nov

In honour of all my lovely American buddies (WordPress and real world) I am going with a Thanksgiving theme today. I only wish I had a large slab of pumpkin pie to accompany it. Actually, make that pecan pie. I’m Texan at heart (and not that keen on pumpkin pie, if I’m totally honest.)

This year, I am thankful for:

–        My family and friends and health and career and education and all those things that you really need to be thankful for or you sound like an asshole.

–        Modern Family, Friends, and The Golden Girls, which have managed to make me smile on many a miserable, tear-filled day.

–        My bed. The only place I am really happy these days. That is when I am not having nightmares or dreaming about him.

–        Marks and Spencer’s kids’ meals. When I can’t think about food, I can usually just about stomach a mini microwave ‘nice, nice, chicken and rice’.

–        The wonderful, wonderful people at Kobkun Thai Massage Therapy.

–        Taylor Swift.

–        All my friends who have been through genuine heartbreak and have been kind enough to share their experiences.

–        My counsellor. Especially for managing to decipher what I was saying through all the tears last night.

–        British Airways for upgrading me to first class and making me feel good about travelling alone.

–        Spiced pumpkin lattes.

–        My hair.

–        The fact that next Thanksgiving will be much, much better than this one.

Have a fantastic holiday, everyone. You deserve it.

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A little support in the strangest of places

27 Nov

As you know, I muse often over how grateful I am for my lovely, supportive blogger buddies. You’re even more supportive than some of my friends in the real world. You know who you are. And I heart you. Big time.

Sometimes it feels weird to feel close to people I’ve never even met. People who I don’t even know outside of the world of WordPress, but who’s words can genuinely brighten my day, change my perspective, make me feel OK enough to get out of bed when I’d rather stick my head under the covers and die.

Well, here’s an even weirder story.

When I first rejoined eHarmony, I started talking to this guy. We’ll call him J. We exchanged a few emails. And then my grief hit me like a truck, no, an oil tanker, and I just stopped replying.

A couple of months later he emailed. “Just to check we’re definitely not soul mates.”

I emailed back and apologised for disappearing, but explained that someone had broken up with me and – while I thought I was – I’m not ready to date.

I just got the nicest email back. He told me about breaking up with someone last year and starting to date again, then breaking up again, and trying to hold it together. It’s amazing how the more people you talk to, the more breakup stories you hear. In the end he said, “Hey, everyone’s different. I just think you should be out there. You’re a fox. You look like a Celtic princess.”

When the person you loved the most demolishes your confidence, and has you questioning every element of your mind, soul and body. When the person you loved the most leaves you weighing yourself every day to try and feel more attractive, and staring at yourself in the mirror wondering why you aren’t lovable. When the person you loved the most rejects you. It’s incredible that someone you don’t even know can make you feel good.

A little compassion from a perfect stranger.

A little support in the strangest of places.

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Options

27 Nov

I emailed a friend this morning in a moment of deep unhappiness. I’ve been very stressed with work this week. And I think I possibly saw my ex this morning. It was from behind so I can’t be sure it was him. But it was his walk. His posture.

Anyway, I told my friend that I don’t know what to do anymore. For four months I have tried to make myself feel happy and nothing has changed. I’m tired. And I’m tired of being tired.

He suggested that:

1. I throw myself into my new job 150%

2. I jack it in. Take a couple of months off to go travelling or relax, and freelance when I get back.

I would really like to go for option 2. I’d be throwing away a big opportunity. It wouldn’t look great on my CV. I’d let a lot of people down. I’d lose a lot of money.

But who the hell am I doing this for anyway?

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Hmmmmm

26 Nov

I had a sh***y day. I don’t think I’m cut out to do my job.

Meanwhile, B emailed me with his phone number and I emailed back with mine.

As I left the office tonight, totally exhausted and tearful from sheer stress, I got a text from him reminding me that it’s just work.

It made me smile.

Also, thank you to my lovely brownie sista Lisa for wise words and virtual cuddles.

Tomorrow is another day.

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Mornings

26 Nov

They’re the worst.

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First day back in the office

25 Nov

It is hard being back in London. I feel like I’ve gone back in time and everything is reminding me of him with renewed ferociousness. My bus journey, my walk to the office, everything just sucks. I hate it all. Why can’t I go back to last year and be the happiest cat alive that I had met him? Why can’t he pop up on MSN and tell me I’m beautiful?

Because he dumped me. That’s why.

Oh, yeah, and he was never in love with me anyway.

I walked straight into the most confusing briefing ever at work. I have loads to do, over 200 emails to sort through, half my team appears to be off sick/on holiday/out of the office.

I just don’t like my life any more. I feel overwhelmed with sadness. And I don’t know how to change it.

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Stop crying your heart out

24 Nov

If only I could.

Yet another song I’ve always loved, but the lyrics of which now give me goosebumps.

I’m not sure there is a more fitting, compassionate, and brutally hopeful breakup song.

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