Tag Archives: contact with ex

Will contact really resolve anything?

24 Oct

I’m kind of at an unpleasant crossroads.

I saw my counsellor last night, which gave my brain a much-needed massage. My counsellor believes that I need to resolve things with my ex in some way. She thinks he needs to know the impact that all of this has had on me, and that I need for him to know that too. Oh, it’s so complicated, isn’t it?

I was caught completely off-guard when we broke up. One day he was using phrases like, “If we had a daughter..”, and “If we were married…”, and a few days later he arrived home from New York, came over to my flat, ate half a pizza (I still struggle to understand how he digested this under the circumstances), and broke my heart into a zillion pieces. At the time I was in shock. When we spoke five weeks later, honestly, I was still in shock. Months later, there are things still going round and round and round in my head that I wish I had said. It’s hard to be articulate when you’re struggling to breathe.

From the start I’ve told my counsellor I’m not sure that I can put myself through any communication with him. I don’t want it to feel raw again. And if I was to actually see him, well, it would be devastating. I’m still completely in love with him. I would definitely be holding out some kind of desperado hope that he would see me and realise he wanted me back. In the words of the oh-so-clever Taylor Swift, “I can’t say hello again and risk another goodbye.”

I told her (my counsellor, not Taylor Swift) that seeing him would destroy me. I’d break down, and then I’d look pathetic and be unable to express myself anyway.

And she smiled, and said, “Yes, this time you need to be in control. This time, you need to eat the pizza first.”

What have we done, iPhone?

7 Sep

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

So we got into a bit of a textonversation. He said he totally understood me needing time, and that I need to know how hard the past five weeks has been on him, and that he really cares about me. I texted back saying it had been the worst five weeks of my life and I miss him so much and am so scared about my new job. On it went for a few texts.

Then I said, “Look, should we just talk on the phone? I don’t know why, but my guts tell me it will make me feel better.”

He said, “I’m on my way to Pete’s wedding, but can talk tomorrow around 12?”

Ahahahahhhhhhhhhh! This just made me think of him at some wedding party chatting to girls and going home with someone.

I texted back, “OK. I think it would be good to talk so that would suit. Have fun tonight. At least you can enjoy being single.”

Ahahahahahahhhhhhhhhh!

Nothing back.

I honestly feel like my heart is about to explode.