The darkest moments

25 Apr

I’m sat at my desk trying to finish copy that was due hours (well, to be more precise days) ago. I just can’t get my head around it.

Today my lovely friend Kate did me a great favour and emailed the ex. She asked him to send my keys back.

He responded to her. He posted the keys. He said he hoped that I was well. He thanked her for supporting me (what a weird thing to say?).

I’m just adrift with emotions. Part of me is relieved. I’m really trying to think of this as the pulling off of the final plaster. I’m free now. Once I get those keys in my paw, I never have to think about him again.

But I think we all know that it’s just not that easy. The pain is with me every day. The injustice of it all still taunts me. And maybe life just isn’t fair, but it’s a crushing realisation. It hurts. It worries me. It makes me so mad.

I’ve changed a lot in the past nine months. I’m not the person who I used to be. I don’t feel things the way that I used to. I don’t think the way that I used to.

So, if I’m not the same person, why does it feel like I’m going through the same break up all over again?

In my darker moments I hope he’s miserable. I hope he feels like utter sh** this afternoon, and that it rained on him when he went to the post office. And that his shoes got wet. And maybe a dog bit him.

In my darkest moments, I wish I could disappear altogether.

3 Responses to “The darkest moments”

  1. starleroux April 25, 2014 at 5:40 pm #

    The truly awful thing is when you’re good, have been for weeks, months right? Then all of a a sudden some trivial thing reminds you that even if it was bad or whatever, you lost what you felt to be a great thing. The worst thing is that the other person? they get to go on living and sh*t without a care in the world so F them.

    • aprileb April 25, 2014 at 5:41 pm #

      So so so true. This is what I keep feeling. How dare he just carry on with his life. At least for today my friend’s email got to stop him in his tracks and make him think about what he did to me. Gaahhh. Sounds like you have been through similar. Hope you’re doing OK x

      • starleroux April 25, 2014 at 5:50 pm #

        LOL right? the audacity!
        I’m fine for now, but only because I’ve yet to cut that person out of my life but once I do, life will suck for a while. I hope that you’re okay. Just think of it as a competition of who can care less, one that you desperately want to win 😉

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