Tag Archives: getting my keys back

The darkest moments

25 Apr

I’m sat at my desk trying to finish copy that was due hours (well, to be more precise days) ago. I just can’t get my head around it.

Today my lovely friend Kate did me a great favour and emailed the ex. She asked him to send my keys back.

He responded to her. He posted the keys. He said he hoped that I was well. He thanked her for supporting me (what a weird thing to say?).

I’m just adrift with emotions. Part of me is relieved. I’m really trying to think of this as the pulling off of the final plaster. I’m free now. Once I get those keys in my paw, I never have to think about him again.

But I think we all know that it’s just not that easy. The pain is with me every day. The injustice of it all still taunts me. And maybe life just isn’t fair, but it’s a crushing realisation. It hurts. It worries me. It makes me so mad.

I’ve changed a lot in the past nine months. I’m not the person who I used to be. I don’t feel things the way that I used to. I don’t think the way that I used to.

So, if I’m not the same person, why does it feel like I’m going through the same break up all over again?

In my darker moments I hope he’s miserable. I hope he feels like utter sh** this afternoon, and that it rained on him when he went to the post office. And that his shoes got wet. And maybe a dog bit him.

In my darkest moments, I wish I could disappear altogether.