Tag Archives: friend

The darkest moments

25 Apr

I’m sat at my desk trying to finish copy that was due hours (well, to be more precise days) ago. I just can’t get my head around it.

Today my lovely friend Kate did me a great favour and emailed the ex. She asked him to send my keys back.

He responded to her. He posted the keys. He said he hoped that I was well. He thanked her for supporting me (what a weird thing to say?).

I’m just adrift with emotions. Part of me is relieved. I’m really trying to think of this as the pulling off of the final plaster. I’m free now. Once I get those keys in my paw, I never have to think about him again.

But I think we all know that it’s just not that easy. The pain is with me every day. The injustice of it all still taunts me. And maybe life just isn’t fair, but it’s a crushing realisation. It hurts. It worries me. It makes me so mad.

I’ve changed a lot in the past nine months. I’m not the person who I used to be. I don’t feel things the way that I used to. I don’t think the way that I used to.

So, if I’m not the same person, why does it feel like I’m going through the same break up all over again?

In my darker moments I hope he’s miserable. I hope he feels like utter sh** this afternoon, and that it rained on him when he went to the post office. And that his shoes got wet. And maybe a dog bit him.

In my darkest moments, I wish I could disappear altogether.

I wouldn’t have it any other way

10 Nov

I’m at the airport waiting for my flight to Tampa. My parents will meet me in Tampa in about 14 hours, and we’ll drive down to Sarasota. This will be a good day.

In the meantime, this is my first experience blogging on my iPhone.

Forgive me for any typing mishaps.

Last night I stayed at an airport hotel. It takes the stress out of the morning you travel. But the past couple of times I’ve done this, I’ve been comfy in my hotel room texting and emailing him. It felt kind of weird not to.

Which is just one of the reasons I am so grateful for my friend Ellie.

Ellie and I met in kindergarten. She was the kid who bit people.

We weren’t in the same class again until we were eleven when we rebonded over a shared love of horses and clarinet.

Everyone got cool around us. And when we were 15, 16, 17 and other kids were going out drinking and even clubbing, Ellie and I spent Saturday nights in coffee shops drinking hot chocolate. Or at home with a pizza. Constantly telling ourselves that we, “wouldn’t have it any other way.”

We went to different universities, but rebonded the year after graduation over a shared love of Tiger Beer and dancing on tables.

When I moved to London, Ellie was the first friend to come and visit. Nine years later, and 27 years since we met, Ellie is still the person who makes me laugh the hardest. She went through a rough breakup a couple of years ago and has been a great support to me recently.

But sadly she’s in Glasgow and I’m in London.

So, on X Factor nights, we text along. It’s just like having her there on my sofa with me.

Last week James Arthur (last year’s X Factor winner) was on the show promoting his new song, ‘You’re Nobody Til Somebody Loves You’.

Ellie texted me, “Well, he sure knows how to kick you when you’re down.” True story.

So last night, although Ellie was actually out during the X Factor, I had her texts for company. Even helping me to choose a sandwich for dinner and congratulating me on adding same wasabi peas.

I also had texts from my friend Kate. And Wedding Boy, who has reappeared.

There’s no question: I am unlucky in love.

But when it comes to friends, I wouldn’t have it any other way.