For the past week I’ve been telling myself, “You’re never going to meet anyone or get married or have kids or be loved at all, really, so just deal with it. Make your peace with it. And try and find something else to make you happy.”
I tell you what, it’s a tough pill to swallow.
I think I’ve cried even more than usual this week while repeating this jaunty little mantra in my head.
Well, today I went to see my psychic. I’ve decided to see her three times a year (once every four months). I first saw her the week after the pizza of doom, then just before Christmas. So far she’s been pretty accurate. More importantly, she’s made me happy. OK, happier. For a little while.
As usual, today she knew exactly how I felt. That while my life isn’t bad, it feels like there’s no point to it, no connection to anything, no reason, nothing good. And certainly nothing to look forward to.
Well, she looked at my tea leaves and suddenly exclaimed, “Oh my, I love this antique bath you’re going to buy. It’s a roll top.”
That alone is something to look forward to. I love taking baths.
But there was more.
Two kids. First a boy, then she wasn’t sure whether boy or girl. A man who loves me. A fat cat or small dog (again, hard for her to decipher). She told me with confidence she could, “100% guarantee this is going to happen.” And – to be fair – her prediction has been pretty much identical every time I’ve seen her. The bath was a new addition, mind you.
There were a few too many tarot cards showing swords for my liking. Specifically, swords sticking through a heart and swords sticking into someone’s back. But I guess that does sum up the way I feel at the moment. How disappointed I am with my life. How conned I feel by everything.
She said I need to believe and I need to visualise this happy family that she’s predicted. And that I have a female spirit looking after me who wanted me to see that today. I don’t want to get all paranormal with you, but I wonder if that’s my Nonna who passed away when I was 15.
And books. I’m going to write books.
And ride horses.
And bake cakes.
These are all my favourite things in the world. Ever.
So do I keep the faith and believe this is all going to come true? Or do I try and protect myself by telling myself that it won’t?
Apparently this man (the hot piece of ass who’s going to turn out to be the love of my life) is a water sign. She tells me this every time I see her.
My ex was right on the cusp of being a water sign. I suppose if today was about looking to the future then I shouldn’t dwell on that point.
Pizza of Doom 
This is very uplifting…maybe I need to go see a psychic.
I think you do. Make sure you see a good one, though. I caught up on your blog last night and need to respond to you. Hope you are OK xx
Hey April,
I started feeling smwhere in Jan end- Feb beginning that now you are over all that pain, more so due to the work pressure etc. And then you found Irish two. I couldn’t see any more perfect timing. But then i read, “Call the plumber” 😛 (The thought of it make me laugh)
I prayed for more sense to Irish two.. It makes me sad reading all this, coming from an awesome girl like you.. Someone professionally successful, with an awesome sense of humour and the one who writes so well. (Actually i am an ardent admirer of u)
So all that the psychic said is going to come true and I am sure we all will get the pleasure of reading a book penned by you 🙂
How crazy is it that I don’t even know your name and we’ve been communicating on here for about 9 months now? Thank you so much, friend. This comment brightened my morning and made me cry (in a good way). You’re so full of kindness and compassion, and I really really appreciate it.
I have no idea where this little journey is going to take me. But I’m so glad I get to share it with people like you x
I feel like I’m overdue for a psychic visit now..
I think you are. Go go go! And then tell us all what happens!
Darling, that card is the Sword of Healing. I’ve gotten it many many times through my break-up. It always through me for a loop. I completely believe in that stuff. When I first started having my cards read, I got a card that signified 7 events or things – the 7th being the final. It was also in the same reading as other cards that had to do with love and relationships (in fact I think the Sword of Healing was in that round). Before my first date with The Drummer, I kept telling myself – he’s my seventh date. I sort of knew before I met him that it would work out this way. Those cards told nothing but truths for me. Crazy.
Oh I believe in it all. I just need to keep believing. She also told me that my ex isn’t happy even though he’s met someone (which I feel too, actually). I have a question for you, though, how long after break up til you met the drummer? And the dates before him (i know I have read about them all) but did you feel connections to them? I’m scared I’m just never going to be able to connect to anyone again. x
You know, I truly believe in intuition and I bet you anything your ex isn’t happy. I actually think the same thing about my ex. I’ve had tons of dreams about him and his unhappiness and actually yesterday I got the courage to (whelp) look at his instagram. Which I have NEVER creeped on him EVER the entire break-up. And honestly, there was nothing really there. Same stuff he was doing whilst with me. No girls, no nothing.
I met the drummer 8 months after my breakup with the ex. I started dating again in june-ish and I dated 6 other guys, and felt a connection with ZERO of them. Some of them were weird – like the posts I’ve written – but some weren’t weird at all. I just didn’t feel anything for them. And honestly, when I met the drummer I wasn’t jumping over hills after our date. I just thought, “Hm. That was a good date.” On the drive to our second date I was nervous that I had made a big mistake and that I actually didn’t want to go. I literally wanted to turn around and drive home. But I went, and I’m glad I did. Even now, like with the post I wrote today – I had a mental break down last weekend because I finally admitted out loud that I truly cared for The Drummer and I wasn’t just having fun with him. I still have a wall up sometimes but it’s always going to be a learning experience.
It’s weird because people used to tell me that I would care for someone again, it would just feel different than it did with my ex. And they were right. I care for The Drummer. But it feels totally different than my last relationship and I think it’s supposed to. I think that’s how we protect ourselves from repeating history – new relationship, new set of feelings.
So true. My counsellor said the same thing – you’ll feel it again, but you’ll feel it differently. Time will tell. I honestly have had it with guys right now. I think I need a datecation til August which will be the anniversary of the pizza of doom. Concentrate on getting in shape and sorting out my apartment. Oh yes, and that minor problem called work.
I’m glad things are going well with the drummer. Your post earlier made me smile. This whole time you’ve been about five months ahead of me in the break up stakes and you’ve given me so much hope and inspiration that things will get better. So keep on going! I’m counting on you!
x
Oh yes! That was one of my HUGE accomplishments this past year. Exercise really does help with stress and everything. It’s hard to get moving, but it’s true what they say-you will never regret a workout. I still have to drag myself to do it but my mind feels so much better.
And YES PLEASE let me know next time you are in Boston, I will meet you in a heart beat!