30 Oct

I don’t sleep much these days, or nights.

I stay up late trying to tire myself out, and then I wake up early thinking about him.

I go to work. Doing a new job is incredibly tiring. You constantly have to be “on”.

In the evenings I try to stay busy with friends, or the gym, or I’m at my counsellor, or I walk home to distract me from things, or I just sit and cry.

On the weekends I get up and go out so I’m not rattling around my flat on my own. I try to stay out most of the day. I tend to have work to catch up on as well. And, of course, a lot of the time I just sit and cry.

I caught my reflection in the mirror earlier. The dark circles under my eyes are like deep caverns. My skin is blotchy. My lips are chapped.

Frankly, I look like crap. And I feel like crap.

I’d like to go to sleep and wake up in 2015.

I’d like to wake up with no anxiety, no echoes of , “I was never in love with you” , no pain, and no memory of him.

11 Responses to “Exhaustion”

  1. annemariehro October 30, 2013 at 2:19 pm #

    swetpie! I know how you feel (somehow). I was not able to sleep a few weeks back. I would wake up due to nightmares! Something that worked for me was listen to music before falling asleep. I would sleep perfectly and then wake up with the song in my mind. I would recomend the song “Nada” from Belinda. The song is in spanish, but is beautiful! I promise! You have a great afternoon! I cheer you up from here!

  2. nomorelosers October 30, 2013 at 2:31 pm #

    You WILL get through this. Its part of the process. You will one day look back and say Wow, I got thru, it made me stronger, and I’m good! God bless girl! And thanks for sharing.

    • aprileb October 30, 2013 at 2:33 pm #

      Thank you! I tell myself I will look back and wonder why this was so hard. Right now it just feels like a long and painful process. x

      Anne – listening to that song now x

      • annemariehro October 30, 2013 at 3:06 pm #

        I hope you like it 🙂 If need any help with the translation, I am open to help you! My Kik is: annemariehro

  3. mick1982 October 30, 2013 at 4:12 pm #

    I had/have the same problem exactly. I feel like each day is like a gigantic hourglass I have to push the sand through to get to the next day. Each night when I finally feel sleep coming on, somewhere deep inside I feel a slight relief that another day is down, hoping it means it’s one day closer to being healed. I don’t know if it is the passing days on the calendar that help the healing process speed up or the activities that make healing go faster. I do know any distraction besides moping around my place is the way to go, unless it’s burying yourself in the bottle as I have a tendancy to do. I’m sure you know but it can’t be understated…keep busy as much as possible and feelings and rememberance of the past will slowly fade towards progression. Hang in there:)

    • aprileb October 30, 2013 at 4:22 pm #

      Thank you, buddy. The hourglass analogy is a great description. It helps just knowing that people understand.

  4. thewholeheartedblog October 31, 2013 at 7:26 am #

    Let’s hope we both get some sleep soon here. Have you tried some sleeping aides? I am just taking tylenol pm the last few nights to take the edge of. My therapist said it won’t hurt to do every so often. Although it does not help with waking up in an anxious state. That is the worst feeling ever, I completely understand what you are going through right now. It will get better, I know it will for you. For the both of us. Keep busy but try your best to get rest too. Easier said than done, I know.

  5. princessdeficit November 3, 2013 at 8:23 am #

    omg. I do the same thing. Staying busy and distracting yourself is the only way to get through the day. when Im ever alone with my thoughts, the waterworks begin. I just wrote about that a couple of days ago. I wont lie to you and say it will get better, because I really dont know myself. It all depends how in love you were, but girl, what I can tell you is don’t let yourself turn into a ball of crap. I am telling you from the “been there, done that, dont do it” road. Trust me, carry around under eye cream, a nice lip balm, CARMEX is my fave, and comb your hair every day. You would be surprised how taking care of yourself will help you down this hard journey. Don’t let him make you ugly. I lost a lot of dignity, my heart, my happiness, but my beauty, lol NO WAY!

    • aprileb November 3, 2013 at 8:36 am #

      This is great advice! And you’re right. On days when I have to dress up for work etc. I actually feel a little bit more self-worth. Well, it is exhausting (I’ve been up since 5 am this morning for no particular reason), but hopefully we’ll get there eventually (you and me). I was completely in love. Head over heels over head over heels. I never questioned that we were going to get married, I had no reason to question it. Until he started acting weird and blaming it on work, that is. I really hope I get over this, and I hope you get over yours too. xx

      • princessdeficit November 3, 2013 at 9:22 am #

        hi aprileb,
        if you were head over heels over head over heels, then you are inthe same boat as me. I have also dedicated my blog to my relentless pain. I do not have the cure to stop loving him, but I have a whole bag of tricks to make the journey a little bit better. You name it, Ive probably felt it, done it, messed it up, etc etc. Take care. I like your blog. xx 🙂

  6. whiskeyinateacupp November 4, 2013 at 2:51 am #

    i feel you, times are hard and october was a hard month! i try as much as i can to be out of the house to have myself occupied so i dont sit around and just drown myself in bad thoughts, but its good to keep yourself busy (: do things you love and get out there and be happy with the little moments! those i find are some of the best moments (:

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