Tag Archives: sleep

Exhaustion

30 Oct

I don’t sleep much these days, or nights.

I stay up late trying to tire myself out, and then I wake up early thinking about him.

I go to work. Doing a new job is incredibly tiring. You constantly have to be “on”.

In the evenings I try to stay busy with friends, or the gym, or I’m at my counsellor, or I walk home to distract me from things, or I just sit and cry.

On the weekends I get up and go out so I’m not rattling around my flat on my own. I try to stay out most of the day. I tend to have work to catch up on as well. And, of course, a lot of the time I just sit and cry.

I caught my reflection in the mirror earlier. The dark circles under my eyes are like deep caverns. My skin is blotchy. My lips are chapped.

Frankly, I look like crap. And I feel like crap.

I’d like to go to sleep and wake up in 2015.

I’d like to wake up with no anxiety, no echoes of , “I was never in love with you” , no pain, and no memory of him.

Advertisements

Well, this is unexpected

24 Oct

I went to bed really early tonight. I’ve been so tired all week, I was ready to get some major zzzzzzzzzzzs.

But I couldn’t sleep.

So I watched Netflix.

Still couldn’t sleep.

So I read some blogs.

Still couldn’t sleep.

So I lay very still and tried to lull myself into sleep.

Somehow, instead, I lulled myself into thinking about him. And now I can’t stop crying. The kind of hot, messy, gulpy crying I was doing 11 weeks ago. The crying that hurts your heart and feels like it will never stop.

Please, stop.