October. Month of sadness and pumpkins.

31 Oct

Well, October, you’ve been a funny little poppet, haven’t you?

At the start of the month I had a full couple of weeks when I hardly cried and I slept really well. It was such a nice break from walking around sobbing all the time.  Turns out it was just a temporary break, though. Now I’m right back to where I was in August. I cry every day. I don’t sleep. I don’t see the point in anything. Yesterday I broke down in a furniture shop. So unexpected.

Usually at the end of the month I write a list of all the things I’ve learned that month. And usually it feels good to close the door and move on. Make progress. Draw a line.  This month I don’t feel that way at all.

I think I’m finding it hard to deal with the fact that it’s November tomorrow. Because, back in August, I kind of had it in my head that by November I would be OK. Maybe not amazing. But OK.

I’m not OK.

And I’m starting to wonder when I ever will be.

But I’m trying – I promise I’m trying – to be positive.

So, October, while I can’t thank you for throwing my emotions around like a blustery day, I thank you for pumpkins.

Pumpkin spice latte coffee. Pumpkin-scented candles. Pumpkin-coloured leaves. I’m having a couple of friends over tonight for a pumpkin-themed Halloween dinner, to thank them for being so incredibly wonderful and lovely and kind and understanding over the past few months.

It’s not ideal that pumpkins are the best thing to happen to me in October. But, then, nothing about this situation is ideal. Nothing at all.

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11 Responses to “October. Month of sadness and pumpkins.”

  1. intothebeauty October 31, 2013 at 3:05 pm #

    That’s so sweet of you-doing a dinner for your friends. They really are that dim light in a world full of your own darkness. You definitely have come a long way. It really hasn’t been that long since your pizza of doom. At least you’re doing all the necessary things to keep yourself going-massages, friends, work, etc. You’re doing everything you can, and sometimes that has to be enough.

    “Let whatever you do today be enough. Let go of the judgment you have about what you “should be” or “could be” doing, and simply allow yourself to be. Stop fixating on where everyone else is and give yourself permission to be exactly where you are. Life isn’t a race. Everyone’s journey and the pace at which they travel is unique. Your process is no exception and can’t be compared to anyone else’s. You will get where you need to be. Be patient and trust that you are in the right place at the right time. Trust that, in this moment, where you are at, and what you are doing, is enough. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s all you can ask for.”
    -Danielle Keopke

    Here’s to November, friend ❤ xoxo

    • aprileb October 31, 2013 at 5:30 pm #

      Thank you, buddy. I know it will get better. I know time will make it better. It’s just so frigging exhausting in the meantime, you know? I’m tired of being tired! But tonight will be fun. I also sent special Halloween flowers to a friend in Scotland who has been amazing through everything. I like the feeling of letting my friends know how much I appreciate them. Couldn’t have done this without them.

      I wish I could make dinner and send flowers to all my blogger buddies too! Buy a whiskey from me and have a great Halloween!

      • intothebeauty October 31, 2013 at 7:30 pm #

        Aw you too, girl! Enjoy your dinner!

  2. K. A. Smith October 31, 2013 at 5:22 pm #

    I can relate. November will be better! You’re moving forward and recognizing that you’re not okay now, but your are trying to be positive. Hugs.

    • aprileb October 31, 2013 at 5:25 pm #

      Thank you. November will be better, I know. Not where I wanted to be, but better than now. Also I get to spend two weeks of November on a beach which will be super. Hugs back. We’ll get there. Happy Halloween! About to read your post on it x

  3. thewholeheartedblog November 1, 2013 at 7:11 am #

    Girl, we are seriously all to similiar with our healing process. October seeemed to have the same up and downs for me. Also, I am loving the pumpkin flavored and themed everything. Coffee and beer to be specific. Tonight I am spending Halloween with good friends and also having dinner, with pumpkin beer of course. I can feel Novemeber being better for the both of us. Just keep letting yourself feel all of the emotions. In the end we will be the ones better off. Well actually, we are already. Having a pumpkin beer for you tonight from the States!

    • aprileb November 1, 2013 at 10:36 am #

      I want to drink pumpkin beer! That sounds ridiculously delicious. I might get my Mum and Dad to try and source some (they are in Florida for three months and I’m joining them next week).

      Well, it really helps me to know you’re going through the same thing. Even if I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone! I guess our break ups were right around the same time, so it’s reassuring, isn’t it?

      Hey, it’s November. Let’s make it a good month!

      • thewholeheartedblog November 1, 2013 at 2:05 pm #

        If you get your hands on some make sure you try the “PumpKing” brewed by Southern Tier. It literally is like Thanksgiving in your mouth.

        So jealous you get to be in Florida! But that’ll be a good break for you!

      • aprileb November 1, 2013 at 2:20 pm #

        I just Googled PumpKing and I might might might be able to get it at some random German supermarket here in London. I will try!

  4. Christine November 1, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

    Every break-up is hard, but the break-ups out of the blue are by far the hardest. The first love of my life did that to me, and in all honestly it took me a long time process it and it hurt like crazy for more than a few months. We (you, me and every other girl with a broken heart) are going to have our ups and downs. August and September sucked for me, I thought October would be better and it was for a while, but there are days that just suck.

    Also, I love your idea of writing down all the things you’ve learned that month; I think I am going give that a try. So here’s to a fresh start with November, and a little more healing of our hearts with the passing of October.

    • aprileb November 1, 2013 at 5:37 pm #

      It’s true. It’s up. It’s down. It’s down some more. Then it’s up again. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through the same. I’ve never been through anything like this before. It feels like I think about him all the time. I don’t know how I function at times.

      But we need to find the positives. Like the things that you can learn along the way. It feels like October threw a lot of people. Maybe it’s the change of seasons or something. But, yes, let’s hope November is clearer and lighter and more healing for all of us. Thanks for your comment! Hope you’re doing OK. x

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