Springtime

There’s something wonderful about springtime. I’m a springtime baby, so maybe when the end of March rolls around and we are very nearly in my very own month I just feel more special. But the brightness in the mornings. The lightness in the air. And the evenings that start to stretch and make room for so much more possibility than heading straight home to put on pyjamas and watch MTV. It all puts me in a good mood.

It also makes me ponder how very different springtime is this year from how I imagined it.

You see, my ex and I had a grand plan. We were going to take a month off work between March and April, and travel around Japan. I am desperate to go to Japan, but never wanted to go alone. So, we decided to take this extended break and follow the cherry blossoms as they bloomed. My birthday would be while we were there. And I think we both had the same thing in mind. It starts with a “diamond” and ends with a “ring”.

Instead, I’m working like a mad woman. I’ve just ended things with a red-haired Irish man. I’m going on a date on Saturday. I’m going to Paris for work, shortly followed by New York. And on my birthday I’m having a night of drinks and ping pong with all my favourite cats.

Not what I planned. Not what I imagined. But not a bad way to spend the springtime either.

And maybe this is a sign that the gaping, painful void he left behind is closing. It will leave scars. Scars that hurt to talk about. Scars that are visible to others through my behaviour at times. But I can just about get my head above the darkness and say, “F*** you for what you did to me. F*** you for not appreciating me. I’ll find someone worth going to Japan with.”

He’s ruined enough already. I’ve been planning my dream trip to Japan for years.

It would have sucked to have him in all the photos.

Tags: break up, breakup, broken heart, grief, Japan, love, moving on, spring, springtime, travel