I have proof that eHarmony is a nonsense

14 Mar

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eHarmony continues to fail me.

First, it matches me with Irish One, who led me to believe we would get married and live happily ever after. He made me the happiest that I’ve been in my life. He made me a part of his family. And then he ate half a pizza and told me he had never been in love with me. Thanks, Irish One. Thanks, eHarmony.

Then, it matched me with Irish Two. Irish Two and I are destined to be friends. He made me laugh, he was good in bed, but – alas – we are not a “match” by any stretch of the imagination. I’m a sensitive soul who loves to be close to people. He’s a hardened, unaffectionate cat who can’t get close to people. Thanks again, eHarmony.

Last night eHarmony matched me with one of my best friends. I have known Tristan for eight years. He is one of my favourite cats. We have worked together. We have been drunken together. We have put together a business plan together. In fact, I wrote the best part of his eHarmony profile and I am cut out of two of the photos he uses in it. If we were destined to be together, we would be. I know Tristan extremely well and I can say with confidence that we would make a terrible couple. Simply awful. Thanks for making me have weird thoughts about one of my best mates, eHarmony.

This all leads me to believe that eHarmony is, basically, bullsh**.

I feel overwhelmed with anxiety for all the couples out there – all the millions and millions of happily married people (if we are to believe the advertising) who eHarmony has “matched” through science and algorithms and stuff. I fear their relationships are all built on lies and silicone valley start-up dreams.

I think it’s time to trust my guts. Not a website with extremely poor architecture and user experience.

eHarmony, I am so angry at you right now.

That is all.

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4 Responses to “I have proof that eHarmony is a nonsense”

  1. luciddream85 March 14, 2014 at 2:08 pm #

    Ironic enough, the founder of EHarmony is going through a divorce. He met his wife on …. you guessed it ….. EHarmony.

    • aprileb March 14, 2014 at 2:38 pm #

      Ahhhhhhh. It’s like when the Atkins guy died.

  2. ItMatterstoGrey March 14, 2014 at 4:51 pm #

    But what about all those dimensions of compatibility? Are you saying eHarmony is as effective as CraigsList?…..thanks for the post it was funny to read and it was humor I was needing today.

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