Lack of feeling

So I still need to explain what’s happened with Irish Two.

The unaffectionate cat.

Last weekend he took me on an amazing date. We went to see a play, then went to the Oxo Tower for dinner. (If you aren’t familiar, it’s super fancy). Wish I’d known we were going there. I was wearing Uggs.

Anyway.

He sat through the first five minutes of dinner emailing people on his phone. Rude.

Then we got to talking about this whole affection thing. And he told me, under no uncertain terms that:

• He won’t be impressed by me doing nice things for him.
• He was “turned off” by me making him pate on toast when he was hungry and asked for pate on toast. Go figure.
• When I send him nice texts and emails he thinks they are “engineered” and so he doesn’t bother responding in nice terms.
• He won’t say “thank you” when I cook for him because he just doesn’t care.

There was more.

What an asshole. Am I right?

The pate thing bothered me the most, and we argued about it until the next day (although we had some quite good angry sex in-between).

So on Tuesday I met up with him to end things. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t value empathy and compassion.

And we got into the strangest conversation. I told him, “I was really upset after the weekend, and the more I think about it, the more apparent it is that we just don’t value the same things. I need to be with someone who can show me that they care about me. When I had a migraine last week, I was visibly unwell and you didn’t even put your arm around me.”

He said, “You should have asked me to put my arm around you. I’m not a mindreader.”

Great.

Anyway, we discussed things further and – boom – it suddenly hit me that he isn’t an asshole. He literally has no compassion or empathy or love or care within him. He’s incapable of it. Poor man.

He told me that he wants to find a wife and have kids.

I asked him if he thought he should have kids if he isn’t able to show compassion. He said, “Well, someone like you could train me.”

In the end, I couldn’t finish things on Tuesday because I was partly fascinated by his lack of feeling, and partly sad that I won’t be able to hang out with him anymore.

So this weekend it’s over. Hmph.

I feel sad about the whole thing. Sad that we connect so well on so many levels and yet there is just no care or affection there. Sad that he thinks I’m “too nice” and he doesn’t appreciate the things I’ve done trying to be nice for him. But mostly sad for him.

I know I love with all my heart, I feel with everything in me. I know I’m a sensitive soul and a creative cat. And I know those things are not character flaws. They’re the things I’m most proud of.

What is he proud of? What does he have to measure himself against? What does he aspire to? Does he feel anything at all?

I’m genuinely worried about him. Maybe I am too nice.

Tags: break up, breakup, compassion, empathy, exboyfriend, feelings, grief, love, moving on, relationships, therapy, vulnerability