Tag Archives: empathy

Ten months since the break up

3 Jun

rZwpoEg

I’m sitting at my desk planning holidays that I won’t ever take. Killing time before my yoga class. And I just realised that today marks ten months since the pizza of doom. Ten months. It’s a substantial period of time. But I guess not that substantial when it comes to grieving the loss of everything you ever wanted.

I’m sad, but I’m happy.

I’m sad that he’s not in my life anymore. I’m sad that he didn’t want me. I’m sad that we’ll never have a life together, or get married, or have kids, or join our families together. I’m sad that I’ll never kiss him again. Or feel his arms around me. Or lie on him while we watch Mad Men. I’m sad that I’m sure he has moved on. I’m sad that he’ll forget me. I’m sad that all my memories now drip with heavy, heavy regret. And that I’ve had to try not to think of him at all, or I know that I’ll never be able to move on. Because I’m sad to say that deep down I do still love him.

But at the same time, I am happy. I’m happy that I know I’m through the worst of it. I’m happy that it’s changed me. Although it caused me to question everything, lose all my confidence, and hate myself for a while, I’ve had to readdress things and build myself back up. I’m happy that I genuinely feel this is a better, more empathetic, loving, mature version. I’m happy I met Irish Two and that we’re friends now. I’m happy I started yoga. And started running again. And that I’ve hardly cried at all in the past week.

I’ve questioned myself, and where my faith lies (not a religious sense – I’m not religious – just in terms of where I put my trust, because we all have to put it somewhere), whether my arms really are too fat, and why anyone wouldn’t want me in their life. I’ve asked myself whether I’m too nice. Too self-critical. Too emotional.

It’s been a long journey. And I’ve some way to go. But let me promise you this, if you’re going through what I’m going through then there will come a point that the heartache lessens. Although you would never have wanted this to happen, there will come a point that you realise you’ve done OK. That you’ve learned. That you are a better person for it. Because you can’t go through something that rips up every feeling in your body and not come out stronger. If you did, you’d be defeated.

There is no denying I’m addicted to Nashville.

Well, I really like the words to the song ‘Wrong For The Right Reasons’.

Think of all the morning stars you would have missed

If you hadn’t weathered through the dead of night

Every single heartbeat you didn’t skip

Was the answer why

‘Cause the bridge that burned took you out of the way,

Made you turn around until you face the demons

Ten months ago I was about to have the worst night of my life. Tonight I have yoga, Mad Men catch up, and then bed before a crazy day preparing for a pitch tomorrow. Life isn’t how I dreamed it. But it’s OK.

 

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Lack of feeling

7 Mar

retro robot toy

So I still need to explain what’s happened with Irish Two.

The unaffectionate cat.

Last weekend he took me on an amazing date. We went to see a play, then went to the Oxo Tower for dinner. (If you aren’t familiar, it’s super fancy). Wish I’d known we were going there. I was wearing Uggs.

Anyway.

He sat through the first five minutes of dinner emailing people on his phone. Rude.

Then we got to talking about this whole affection thing. And he told me, under no uncertain terms that:

  • He won’t be impressed by me doing nice things for him.
  • He was “turned off” by me making him pate on toast when he was hungry and asked for pate on toast. Go figure.
  • When I send him nice texts and emails he thinks they are “engineered” and so he doesn’t bother responding in nice terms.
  • He won’t say “thank you” when I cook for him because he just doesn’t care.

There was more.

What an asshole. Am I right?

The pate thing bothered me the most, and we argued about it until the next day (although we had some quite good angry sex in-between).

So on Tuesday I met up with him to end things. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t value empathy and compassion.

And we got into the strangest conversation. I told him, “I was really upset after the weekend, and the more I think about it, the more apparent it is that we just don’t value the same things. I need to be with someone who can show me that they care about me. When I had a migraine last week, I was visibly unwell and you didn’t even put your arm around me.”

He said, “You should have asked me to put my arm around you. I’m not a mindreader.”

Great.

Anyway, we discussed things further and – boom – it suddenly hit me that he isn’t an asshole. He literally has no compassion or empathy or love or care within him. He’s incapable of it. Poor man.

He told me that he wants to find a wife and have kids.

I asked him if he thought he should have kids if he isn’t able to show compassion. He said, “Well, someone like you could train me.”

In the end, I couldn’t finish things on Tuesday because I was partly fascinated by his lack of feeling, and partly sad that I won’t be able to hang out with him anymore.

So this weekend it’s over. Hmph.

I feel sad about the whole thing. Sad that we connect so well on so many levels and yet there is just no care or affection there. Sad that he thinks I’m “too nice” and he doesn’t appreciate the things I’ve done trying to be nice for him. But mostly sad for him.

I know I love with all my heart, I feel with everything in me. I know I’m a sensitive soul and a creative cat. And I know those things are not character flaws. They’re the things I’m most proud of.

What is he proud of? What does he have to measure himself against? What does he aspire to? Does he feel anything at all?

I’m genuinely worried about him. Maybe I am too nice.

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