For good?

6 Mar

I didn’t end things with Irish Two on Tuesday. I will on Saturday. Much more to be explained, but on Tuesday I made him talk to me. Really talk to me. About his exes, his family, his friends. Trying to get a sense of anyone he’s connected to.

It made me realise with renewed ferociousness how our relationships change us. Forever.

I am changed. Changed through my relationship with my ex. Changed by our breakup. In all kinds of ways, and I’m sure even more to come that I haven’t even realised yet.

I used to be a huge fan of the musical Wicked. It’s harder to be a fan now. That last weekend my ex and I were together in New York I got us tickets to see it on Broadway. We held hands through the whole thing. It was a clammy July night. We rode the subway back downtown, drank cocktails and ate oysters on Water Street.

Not being able to listen to the Wicked soundtrack – just another way I’m changed.

But tonight I let myself listen to the song ‘For Good’.

I knew it would hurt.

Of course, the song is about best friends, not a couple. But much of it rings true.

He’s still with me, like a handprint on my heart. So much of me is made of what I learned from him. And, whatever way my story ends, I know he has rewritten it.

He’s changed me for good.

But not for the better. I’ve done that on my own.

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5 Responses to “For good?”

  1. luciddream85 March 7, 2014 at 2:58 am #

    That last line, is the money shot. I’m glad you realize this. xo …. chin up.

    • aprileb March 7, 2014 at 5:29 pm #

      Thanks, buddy. I’m trying!

  2. jadedwildcat March 7, 2014 at 5:00 am #

    You are one fantastic writer, you know that? There’s always this powerful ‘punch to the gut’ feeling in your words (in good ways and bad), and I continue to be amazed at how much you convey with such few words. That’s something I’ve always really sucked at – not sure if you read my blog but I’m the total opposite who just rambles out all the crazy musings of my heart and soul and seldom even makes any sense with it!

    But seriously, you’re so brave for listening to that song – there are so many things that I can’t do still, and probably will never do again because they were things of my past that would dredge up far too much emotion and pain…
    But good on you for doing that. Maybe I’ll get there someday too.

    And God you’re so right about ‘so much of you being what you learned from him’. That’s so exactly how I feel about H, and it’s a really, really, really hard thing to shake…

    x

    • aprileb March 7, 2014 at 5:30 pm #

      Thank you. That really means a lot to me. Ugh. It doesn’t get much easier, does it? But it does improve a little every day. Bravery is what it’s all about, girl. It dredges stuff up, but that’s the only way to clean it out. x

  3. elizabethhiggins March 8, 2014 at 1:19 am #

    Fun fact: Anna Kendrick went to high school right here in Maine with my dick of an ex boyfriend, and were even on speaking terms. I won’t take it out on her though, Pitch Perfect is just too good.

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