Why does everything smell of my ex?

24 Aug

It’s been three weeks since the pizza of doom. I’m kind of surprised that I’m still incapable of pulling myself together. This morning I woke up and decided it was time to put his stuff in a bin bag and get it out of sight. It’s no fun seeing his protein bars in the fridge, his jeans hanging in my wardrobe, his aftershave in my bathroom cabinet. I felt positive about this decision. I would get my flat hetoxed. I would put new sheets on my bed. I would deep clean. Everything would feel fresh. And fresh would feel better.

Very ambitious. Very naive. Wow. I had no idea it was going to hurt this much. As soon as I opened “his drawer” the tears started. Big, ugly, sobby tears. My neighbour must have heard me howling, I’m quite sure. At one point I thought I was going to vomit from crying so much. 

Anyway. I’ve packed everything away. My flat is so teensy, tiny that I can’t really get “the bag” out of sight. It’s blatantly going to sit in my bedroom like a giant, mean elephant in the room.

I decided to keep going and clean out my entire life so have been through my wardrobes and drawers sorting clothes into ‘keep’, ‘bin’, and ‘charity shop’. Here’s the weird thing: all my stuff smells of him. Even things that I’m sure I never wore when we were together. 

I love his smell. I always did. 

Why is my nose torturing me? Does stuff really smell of him or am I imagining it? Can he smell me at his house? And when the hell is this going to get easier?

The thing is, I guess I don’t want everything to feel fresh. Because fresh means he’s gone.

5 Responses to “Why does everything smell of my ex?”

  1. literarylydi August 25, 2013 at 9:23 am #

    I’ve had that experience too. Smells can be really strongly linked to memories. It’ll get easier. At the time it feels like there is no one else in the world like him. There is. It just means you’re one step closer to finding a guy who is more suitable/compatible if indeed that’s what you want. It’ll be really hard at first but I’m sure you’ll emerge stronger from the experience and more aware of what you want.

  2. literarylydi August 25, 2013 at 9:24 am #

    p.s. LOVE the word hetoxed!!

  3. literarylydi August 25, 2013 at 9:26 am #

    In terms of when will it get easier, it depends how long you were together. My longest relationship was 16 months and it took 3 days of crying and 3 weeks to get over him, with my friend calling me every day for a week to make sure I was alright! Your friends can get you through it. I found a random snog 3 weeks later helped too!

    • aprileb August 25, 2013 at 4:32 pm #

      We were together nearly a year. So I know it doesn’t seem that long, but most of my relationships have been about 18 months to two years and haven’t meant anything like this to me. I guess it just wasn’t what I thought it was.

      • literarylydi August 25, 2013 at 5:25 pm #

        Hey I had something similar, I thought it was love, then I came back from holiday and he ended it! That was my longest relationship – 16 months. I had plenty of foul luck with men. They all thought they wanted more but after a couple of months they changed their minds and it emerged they didn’t have deeper feelings for me after all! It feels like a long time because you spend so much time with him and you get to know him well. You get comfortable. It will get better with time.Every guy teaches you what you want/need in a man a little bit more I found.

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