Tag Archives: ex

Sleep anxiety

26 Aug

Sleep has not been my friend since the break up. I lie awake, tossing and turning, going over and over and over things in my head. Or I’m so tired I fall asleep, then wake at four and start my anxiety session then. 

Last night, however, was the worst. I got to sleep, but I dreamt that he was asking me to take him back and telling me how much he loved me, and how much his family and friends loved me too. 

Then I woke up.

Perhaps it’s easier being an insomniac.

Advertisements

Why does everything smell of my ex?

24 Aug

It’s been three weeks since the pizza of doom. I’m kind of surprised that I’m still incapable of pulling myself together. This morning I woke up and decided it was time to put his stuff in a bin bag and get it out of sight. It’s no fun seeing his protein bars in the fridge, his jeans hanging in my wardrobe, his aftershave in my bathroom cabinet. I felt positive about this decision. I would get my flat hetoxed. I would put new sheets on my bed. I would deep clean. Everything would feel fresh. And fresh would feel better.

Very ambitious. Very naive. Wow. I had no idea it was going to hurt this much. As soon as I opened “his drawer” the tears started. Big, ugly, sobby tears. My neighbour must have heard me howling, I’m quite sure. At one point I thought I was going to vomit from crying so much. 

Anyway. I’ve packed everything away. My flat is so teensy, tiny that I can’t really get “the bag” out of sight. It’s blatantly going to sit in my bedroom like a giant, mean elephant in the room.

I decided to keep going and clean out my entire life so have been through my wardrobes and drawers sorting clothes into ‘keep’, ‘bin’, and ‘charity shop’. Here’s the weird thing: all my stuff smells of him. Even things that I’m sure I never wore when we were together. 

I love his smell. I always did. 

Why is my nose torturing me? Does stuff really smell of him or am I imagining it? Can he smell me at his house? And when the hell is this going to get easier?

The thing is, I guess I don’t want everything to feel fresh. Because fresh means he’s gone.