I’m doing it anyway

4 Oct

Something happened to me immediately after the pizza of doom.

I’ve always thought of myself as fairly tough. But, I’ll admit, in some ways I’m also a massive scaredy cat.

When the person you love more than anyone (except family, always except family) crushes you, a certain feeling of invincibility kicks in. The one thing I would have done anything to avoid happened anyway. And, although I took to bed for a week, broke down in public (regularly), and became unable to dress myself or feed myself or sleep, life went on. It seemed cruel at the time, but the sun still got his hat on every morning; clients still wanted their work done; London got on with its hustling, bustling life; the days raced on, and on, and on. Somehow I kept breathing.

Two months later, and able to get out of bed in the morning without howling like a tortured animal, that invincibility has proper meaning: I am stronger than I thought I was. And my guts are telling me to live a little differently from usual. To live a little dangerously.

Tomorrow morning I’m going to a Pilates class. That might not sound like the act of a daredevil, but I’ve never been before. I have absolutely no core strength, so it’s a little terrifying. I’m doing it anyway.

My new job scares me in every imaginable way. I’m doing it anyway.

Oh, and I just casually dropped Wedding Boy an email asking him to go for a drink when I’m in Edinburgh in two weeks’ time. He might say no. It might be very awkward. I’m doing it anyway.

OK, so it’s all relative. I’m not about to go bungee jumping or paddle around the world in a canoe (why would I want to do these things?).

But for now, this scaredy cat is crossing her paws and taking a few risks.

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3 Responses to “I’m doing it anyway”

  1. annemariehro October 4, 2013 at 9:29 pm #

    It sounds great! Every step counts πŸ™‚ Do never give up! Just keep going and going because it will all come to a end, eventually πŸ™‚

  2. jadedwildcat October 4, 2013 at 9:42 pm #

    At first when I read the word ‘invincibility’, it threw me because I was like, HUH!? When I’ve gone through break-ups I feel anything BUT invincible. But the way you described it over the weeks and how much you continue to endure and get through… it really makes sense. I never would have looked at it that way before. Good job, woman.
    Oh, and who cares if Wedding Boy says no! You can hit up a few martinis for yourself somewhere nice and probably enjoy a few flirtations from a completely new guy perhaps!
    Just for the helluvit of course, not to get into anything serious! xoxo

    Good luck with the pilates; I hear it’s one tough work-out but does wonders for your bod. Always wanted to try it meself. =)

    • aprileb October 6, 2013 at 6:10 pm #

      Thanks, guys. Pilates really hurt, but I felt great afterwards. The risks are worth it, for sure.

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