Tag Archives: stress

Yesterday was plain awful

10 Jul

Funny crazy looking cat picture

Yesterday was stupid.

I woke up at 4.30am, and couldn’t get back to sleep. So I went for a run just after 5. I had to be in work shortly after that, but stopped to treat myself to a fruit cup and coffee from Pret.

Uh. Oh. This was where I should just have turned around and gone back to bed. The fruit was dried out and sour. The coffee had milk in it. I don’t do milk. I don’t like it. It’s makes me gag. And, on more than one occasion, vomit. What a way to ruin a coffee – and my Wednesday.

Then work began. And did not stop. It went on, and on, and on. Until around 6.30pm when I was thinking I could get ready to pack up and go home, but answered a call from the New York office. One of my team hadn’t sent their work on. The buck stops with me. And when I couldn’t get through to him on the phone, or find the files on the server, I had to redo the work.

(I should also mention that by this point in the day I had consumed at least 7,000 calories. I do not think this would have happened had I enjoyed my fruit cup that morning.)

I left work, and it was raining. I decided I needed to walk a lot to try and calm myself and get some exercise, so walked up to Islington to go to Waitrose and buy some pumpkin ravioli. At the back of my head, I kept thinking I would not have time to digest said ravioli before bed, but I wanted it so much.

Cue a mini meltdown in Waitrose when every single person on the tills decided to just stop and chat to their customers for a good ten minutes rather than actually serve anyone else. Cue customers behind me hassling me to hassle the checkout staff. It was all very stressful.

And then there were no buses.

I got in the door to my flat, anxious to get this pumpkin ravioli cooking ASAP. And the phone rang. It was my Dad.

“Dad, I literally just got in the door.”

By this point it is past 9pm.

And he talks, and talks, and talks. Mainly about the weather.

I got kind of snippy. Then made my ravioli, ate it in a rush, and then called him back to apologise for being a grump, at which point my Mum wanted to talk.

I stuffed myself with more chocolate.

DID I MENTION HOW HORMONAL I AM RIGHT NOW?

And went to bed.

It was a stupid day.

But what I really wanted to tell you all is that I did not cry. I got angry with a few people, but I did not end up locked in a cubicle at work trying to calm down. And I didn’t wish that I was coming home to someone to tell about my day and cuddle and love.

I was, in fact, 100% delighted when I put down the phone to my parents, turned on the TV, and had a good hour to myself before falling asleep.

This, my friends, is progress.

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What we can learn from flowers

1 Jul

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It has been rainy here in London.

And I’ve been working my paws off on several big projects.

Yesterday I planned to get out of work on time and go to yoga. Then I was going to make a delicious dinner. And watch Catfish.

In reality this is how things played out: I got stuck in a (very boring) meeting until 7.30pm. I left work while it was raining cats and dogs and what definitely felt like elephants. When I got home there was no food in the fridge. I fell asleep trying to watch Catfish.

But, on the way home I did stop to buy myself flowers. Beautiful pink gerberas to be precise. There’s a photo above. Just look at the gorgeous little poppets.

Today, I think work was even more stressful than yesterday. I got home exhausted (having missed yoga again) and saw my flowers on the windowsill which cheered me up immensely. And then I noticed that while I was at work and the sun had been shining in on them, each flower had turned to face the direction of the light.

Let this be a lesson to us all, my lovely blogger buddies.

Even on rainy days, turn towards the sunshine.

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The morning

24 Jun

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Now that the sun comes streaming in my bedroom window at about 4am every day, I’ve been resetting my body clock and getting up super early.

I’m usually up before six. I get dressed and go running just after six. Quick turnaround, wash and dry my hair (which admittedly takes a very long time), and then on to work.

I like the morning. I like early morning. I like feeling like I’m part of some secret club with other morning people when the rest of the world is still tucked away under the covers. Lazy sods. It’s like we’re all in collusion. As if nobody else knows that the buses are so quiet at this time. That my hour-long bus journey takes only ten or fifteen minutes when there’s no traffic on the roads. That the people in my coffee shop are so much friendlier at 7am, and sometimes even let me have a taste of muffins and cakes they’ve been making for the day ahead.

It’s calming and exciting all at once. The day is full of promise, but there’s a serenity to the brightness.

Even better when you know that, despite the stress and the fact you won’t be leaving the office until much, much later that evening, there are nice things waiting, like emails from special people, or songs to listen to. And coffee. Mmmmm. Coffee.

I just wish I could hit pause and make this part of the day last longer. Because, before you know it, other people start arriving in the office, and it gets noisier, and busier, and the stress kicks in, and the phones start ringing, and then it’s 4pm and you haven’t had your lunch yet, or delivered half the projects that you were supposed to. And you find yourself locked in a toilet cubicle trying to catch your breath before a conference call with the client from hell.

If only everything was as lovely as the very start of the day.

Much like the very start of relationships.

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Karma

19 Jun

Full Leaf Tea Latte

I believe in Karma.

Which is why Irish Two and I get into arguments when I say, “But it’s not fair! Why am I alone? I’m so nice!” .

And he responds, “Where does this concept of fairness come from? Life isn’t fair.”

Admittedly there are times I feel like calling Karma to let it know that it missed someone.

But this morning it was spot on. Please excuse the fact I am a total meanie in this post.

This whole week I’ve had an on-off migraine. Nice. Real nice. It’s been so bad that it put me off coffee. So in the mornings I’ve been popping into Starbucks for a little chai tea latte to start the day. This morning I got to Starbucks, opened the door to step through and a couple of assholes wandered right in ahead of me. I was mad as hell.

There was a big queue (which I would have been further up had they not pushed past me).

I waited and waited.

Of course their drinks came first. Then they annoyed me by pushing past me to get to the ‘cinnamon/sugar/milk’ preparation area. And then they annoyed me even more when I was ready to dust my drink with vanilla and they were still standing there chatting.

I watched, then, as the female asshole’s bag fell forward, knocking over her coffee, which spilt everywhere.

I confess. I smiled a little.

I stepped over the spilt coffee. Grabbed the pot of vanilla. Sprinkled some on my delicious chai tea latte. Smiled at the assholes. And left.

Thanks, Karma.

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Stress

17 Jun

There are days that the stress of my job overwhelms me.

Today is one of those days.

I’ve removed myself from the office to sit on some steps outside for ten minutes and calm down. My head is thumping. My heart is pounding. I feel an intense, itchy need to scream.

I can’t help but feel that if I had gone home to someone last night, or woken up with someone this morning, my stress from yesterday wouldn’t have carried over into today.

As it is, there’s no release.

I’ll be a wreck by Friday.

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Floridaaaaaaaaa

3 May

Back at Gatwick airport, buddies.

There’s a lot to be said for travelling alone. I’m so efficient! I’m the ideal travel companion for, well, myself. I really pride myself on finding the shortest security line, having my documents ready before asked, grabbing a coffee and locating the best seat in the airport. Not everyone is into that.

I am feeling super stressed. I keep waking at 4 am these days. I guess it’s a work/ex and the keys/pre travel anxiety cocktail. My skin has completely broken out, which just doesn’t happen to me. I’m a grease monster!

But I can’t think of a better remedy than two weeks on the beach in Florida.

See you in twelve hours, beach.

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Living in a shell

28 Nov

I saw a friend tonight. We ate burgers to celebrate Thanksgiving. We caught up on work news and gossip and dating stories (his, not mine). It was a really nice evening, and courgette fries were involved (always a bonus). But I found it kind of exhausting.

It’s something I’m noticing more and more when I see my friends. And I’m not entirely sure how to describe it. It’s almost as if I’m not me. Like I can see and hear myself smiling and laughing and talking and telling stories, but I don’t feel attached to that April. I feel like a smaller April, somewhere deep inside this shell. I feel detached from my edges.

I guess you could say I’m putting on a brave face, or putting on an act.

It kind of feels like more than that, though. It kind of feels like I’ve forgotten how to be me, but I’m desperately trying to remember.

At times I’m on auto-pilot, talking about work or laughing at old jokes, when inside I’m yelling out, “I feel awful.” For some reason, I’m too ashamed to say it out loud.

I really liked the old me. I hope she comes back soon.

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Me vs. the Universe

19 Nov

This is actually starting to get pretty funny. The love of my life breaks my heart just before I start a new job, and I keep going keep going keep going til I reach my holiday.

On holiday:
– I have a cold that will not shift
– I get migraines every other day
– My wisdom tooth starts hurting me
– I get sunburnt

This afternoon my cold felt better and I went to lie by the pool. I felt something tickling my hip, put my hand down to investigate, and promptly got stung by a bee. True story.

I headed back to the apartment to sit on the balcony and enjoy a Sam Adams. As I picked up my glass, it slipped from my hand and spilt beer everywhere.

Oh, Universe. What else have you got in store for me in 2013?

Whatever it is, bring it on.

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Broken heart, broken mind, broken body

16 Nov

I’ve mentioned before that I never used to get ill. Never. My crazy strong immune system laughed in the snotty face of colds, flus, bugs and viruses. Getting sick, just not my thing. I was far too busy having fun.

That was before the pizza of doom.

For the past few months I seem to constantly be fighting one bug or another. I was so focused on keeping going til my holiday that some kind of superhero power kicked in the last few weeks. But now I’m actually on holiday, I have the worst cold, and a very sore wisdom tooth jagging me in the cheek.

This is what I find most galling and, to be honest, most frightening about this whole break up. It’s not just the relationship that is broken up: it’s me. It’s my heart that genuinely hurts when I think about him. It’s my mind that cannot focus on anything for longer than a few seconds without hearing, “I was never in love with you” and questioning questioning questioning everything. And it’s my body which, after months of not sleeping properly, crying and stress, is just done.

He took my happiness, my love for the world and for pizza. He also took my first-class immune system.

Single and snotty. What a winning combination.

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The stress/thinking of him correlation

9 Oct

I am so busy at work. So busy that I really shouldn’t be taking time out for blogging, but I’ve been here for ten hours and haven’t even stopped to get something to eat. I’m hungry and I need to write.

I feel panicky. I do not feel good. I miss him.

And the more stressed out I get, the more I think of him and how he was never in love with me. Never in love with me. Never in love with me.

It hurts.

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