Tag Archives: single in my thirties

Keeping the faith

26 Apr

swords03l

For the past week I’ve been telling myself, “You’re never going to meet anyone or get married or have kids or be loved at all, really, so just deal with it. Make your peace with it. And try and find something else to make you happy.”

I tell you what, it’s a tough pill to swallow.

I think I’ve cried even more than usual this week while repeating this jaunty little mantra in my head.

Well, today I went to see my psychic. I’ve decided to see her three times a year (once every four months). I first saw her the week after the pizza of doom, then just before Christmas. So far she’s been pretty accurate. More importantly, she’s made me happy. OK, happier. For a little while.

As usual, today she knew exactly how I felt. That while my life isn’t bad, it feels like there’s no point to it, no connection to anything, no reason, nothing good. And certainly nothing to look forward to.

Well, she looked at my tea leaves and suddenly exclaimed, “Oh my, I love this antique bath you’re going to buy. It’s a roll top.”

That alone is something to look forward to. I love taking baths.

But there was more.

Two kids. First a boy, then she wasn’t sure whether boy or girl. A man who loves me. A fat cat or small dog (again, hard for her to decipher). She told me with confidence she could, “100% guarantee this is going to happen.” And – to be fair – her prediction has been pretty much identical every time I’ve seen her. The bath was a new addition, mind you.

There were a few too many tarot cards showing swords for my liking. Specifically, swords sticking through a heart and swords sticking into someone’s back. But I guess that does sum up the way I feel at the moment. How disappointed I am with my life. How conned I feel by everything.

She said I need to believe and I need to visualise this happy family that she’s predicted. And that I have a female spirit looking after me who wanted me to see that today. I don’t want to get all paranormal with you, but I wonder if that’s my Nonna who passed away when I was 15.

And books. I’m going to write books.

And ride horses.

And bake cakes.

These are all my favourite things in the world. Ever.

So do I keep the faith and believe this is all going to come true? Or do I try and protect myself by telling myself that it won’t?

Apparently this man (the hot piece of ass who’s going to turn out to be the love of my life) is a water sign. She tells me this every time I see her.

My ex was right on the cusp of being a water sign. I suppose if today was about looking to the future then I shouldn’t dwell on that point.

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Tube stop of doom

24 Apr

Marble_Arch_stn_roundel

I went to a friend from my old work’s leaving drinks tonight. Just before I left my last job, we moved offices. Right across London. I didn’t spend long in the new office. And most of the time I did spend there I was rocking back and forth in tears post pizza of doom.

So heading back to West London tonight and jumping off the tube at Marble Arch station brought back a few memories of that horrific month. I felt so drained that I couldn’t face the tube back then. I used to take a very long bus ride to get home. And cry the whole way. Listening to Taylor Swift. Yeeesh.

So how did I feel being back there?

Honestly, like the whole thing was a dream. Or maybe a nightmare. The past nine months are a blur. I have no idea how I got here.

But I’d rather be here than back there.

Trying to find happiness

20 Apr

fc,220x200,baby_blue

I’m just back from a weekend in Edinburgh with friends and family, and I had a great time. My friend Sarah took me to a posh hotel for a cocktail tasting menu. I met a friend’s new baby. I hung out with my nephews. I ate a lot of chocolate. Good times all round.

When I’m in Edinburgh it’s always quite in-my-face, though, just how alone I am.

All my uni friends and my family have moved on to create lives for themselves complete with other halves and, now, babies too. The life I’ve created for myself mostly revolves around MTV and frozen yogurt. Which isn’t really the same. At all.

I had coffee with my friend Jennie this morning and was saying, as I so often say these days, it’s just hitting home that I might not meet someone and I’m going to have to deal with that.

It’s something I thought about on the train heading back to London. Which led to one of my all-too-regular-breaking-down-in-tears-without-even-realising-it incidents. Awkward.

All I have ever wanted is to meet someone who loves me, who I love back, and to have kids. It was my priority as a teenager looking ahead to an exciting future. It’s my priority as a thirty something looking back wondering where I went off in a different direction from my friends.

Doesn’t everyone deserve to have someone to spend their life with? I know I do. I’m such a nice person!

But I need to face it: it might not happen for me.

I may well be one of those women (and we all know a few of them) who it just doesn’t happen for. I’m not saying that all women need a relationship and kids to be fulfilled. But I do. I really do.

It dawned on me on the train that I have two choices. Either, I stay in this frame of mind – genuinely scared that I’m never going to meet someone, and so, so full of hope that I will. Or, I can make my peace with the fact that I just might not. That I might be on my own forever. That I might not ever have that special person who loves me the most. That I might not have kids.

I am really, really trying to get my head around this and feel good about it. It’s not enough to think, “I’ll be OK if I don’t meet someone.” That’s just surviving. I don’t want to go through life just surviving. I want to enjoy it. I want to think, “My life’s going to be f***ing fabulous, either way.”

So far, though, I just can’t get my head there. In fact, since I gave myself this ultimatum I haven’t stopped crying. I cannot make peace with the fact I might go through life alone. I can’t feel good about it. I can’t stand the thought of not having kids. I hate feeling like there must be something wrong with me and a reason why it just isn’t happening. And that I got so close, but wasn’t good enough.

I’m desperately trying to find happiness.

But I can’t.