Tag Archives: relationship grief

All the things that I don’t know

19 Feb

I was emailing a friend today, and the ex came up.

The friend said, “Remember, this isn’t something that he did to you. It’s just something he did. He didn’t see a future with you.”


Six months on, that still stings.

I don’t know why he’s on my mind so much at the moment.

I don’t know why he couldn’t see that future with me.

I don’t know why for months and months he told me that he could.

I don’t know why he told me he’d spent his whole life looking for me, and that he’d never let me go. Or why he rushed to introduce me to his family. Or how he could possibly have turned so cruel.

I don’t know if he thinks about me. If he cares about me. If he remembers me.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever meet anyone who does see a future with me. Or if I’ll meet anyone who I see a future with. Or if I’ll ever see past him.

I don’t know why he did this to me.

And, while I know that really it isn’t something he did to me, I don’t know how to stop it feeling that way.

What the psychic had to say

5 Sep

The weekend after the pizza of doom I went to see a psychic. This is something my friend and I did four years ago when her engagement got broken off and I was going through a break up of my own. The accuracy was startling. I also went to see a palm reader in Key West with the ex before the ex, and his perceptions were scarily correct too. They mostly revolved around the fact we had to break up. Which we did a few days later (that story is still to come). The point is, if someone can convince me that they genuinely have these powers, I put a lot of faith in what they have to tell me.

Anyway, I liked this psychic straight off because she had a cat who sat with us throughout the reading. I cried a lot, and I left an hour later feeling much better about life. There were various things that led me to believe she knew what she was talking about, e.g. “I was dreaming about New York all night, have you just been there?” Hell. Yes. I had got back two weeks before.

So what did she predict? Well, the long and short of it is a lot of happiness. She kept telling me that this, “had to happen”. That my ex will realise his mistake, but it will be too late because I’m going to meet someone else and it’s not long til I’m planning my wedding. Then I have two kids, and two dogs. Everything happens in twos for me.

Although the concept of marriage and kids makes me feel quite sick at the moment (the promise of dogs, on the other hand, was music to my ears) I’ve kind of been clinging onto this reading for the past few weeks. I keep repeating those words to myself. “This had to happen.” It feels reassuring.

But after an evening lying in bed watching House of Cards, my outlook isn’t as cheery and rainbow-filled as it used to be (I really am usually such a fricking happy person. Like, to an annoying degree.)

I’m left with a very scary question bothering me.

What if the psychic is wrong?

Am I a terrible friend?

29 Aug

One of my best friends is getting married in two weeks. I’m a bridesmaid. When she asked me to be her bridesmaid I was so excited I could hardly sleep. We’ve been friends since university, we used to live together, I really like her fiancé. I am happy for her. Of course I am.

But whenever I think about this wedding I start crying.

It’s not because I fear I’ll never get married. It’s because my ex was supposed to be there. Instead, I have two first-class train tickets to myself, and a lovely, big room in the nicest hotel in Edinburgh. To myself.

I hate going to weddings alone.

The hen party was two weeks ago. I found it really tough.

And on top of feeling bad because I’m sad, I feel guilty for being sad.

Today I went to get some spanx for under my dress and some shoes to match the dress. I ended up crying, feeling dizzy, and wandering around with the craziest craving for sushi (no sushi in sight). Then another customer (a large customer, I hasten to add) literally fell into a shop that I was leaving and punched me in the stomach in the process. It sounds unlikely, I know. But this actually happened.

The good news is that The Body Shop had 40% off and I bought every coconut-themed product that they make. I love coconut. My ex used to call me his “tropical princess”.

I hate that even coconut reminds me of him.

I’m mad at myself for still being so upset about this.

I’m angry that I miss him so much.

Also I really despise the Phones4U ads about how “breaking up doesn’t have to be hard”. Assholes.

I need this to stop hurting. Ideally in time for the wedding.