Tag Archives: past relationships

The Noodle Doodle, SWB, and The Ex

23 Nov

Today I was thinking about all my exes. And it dawned on me that the only guys I have been really, really into have all been very similar. What’s more, they all rejected me. There were other guys along the way, but the three that stick in my mind and who I still long for are The Noodle Doodle, SWB, and my current ex.

The Noodle Doodle was much ado about nothing, really. Not even properly an ex. When I was working in New York (nearly five years ago which makes me feel very old), I got an email on a UK dating site from this guy who seemed just perfect. Tall, handsome, a lawyer, loved dogs, played the guitar, lived near me in London. I was only going to be in New York for three months so… We started emailing every day, talking on msn every day, we started talking on the phone. I was in love.

He told me everything I wanted to hear. I couldn’t wait to get back to London and finally meet him. Which I did, a few days after arriving back in the UK. Our first date was fabulous. We kissed a lot. We arranged to go out again that Saturday. On the Saturday he stood me up. A week later his best friend came with us on our second date. Which was weird. I went back to his that night (The Noodle Doodle, not the best friend), and there was a lot of kissing and touching, but no sex. When I left the next morning I just knew I was never going to see him again. And, indeed, he stopped replying to emails, texts, etc. Yup, he had just been using me. But he was so intelligent, so sexually grrrrrrr, so confident.

Why was The Noodle Doodle called The Noodle Doodle? Long story involving his last name and the fact that he sent me a picture of his penis for my birthday. Charming. I know.

Then there was SWB. The Secret Work Boyfriend. We had worked together for a couple of years. I always fancied him, but he was in a long-term relationship. Until he wasn’t. He accidentally saw a text I had sent my friend which alluded to the fact I liked him, and he called and asked me out.

On our first date he was so shy. We both drank about sixteen vodkas before finally agreeing that we were rubbish at this and just getting on with all the kissing. But over the next three months, as I grew more and more into him, I felt him losing interest. He got frustrated with my opinions on things. He didn’t want anyone at work to know about our relationship. Finally, I had to ask if he wanted to break up with me after he ignored me for a week. We worked about ten steps from one another. It was kind of awkward.

I was so upset. It was right before Christmas! And he was so intelligent, so sexually grrrrrrr, so confident.

And then my current ex. Again, so intelligent, so sexually grrrrrr, so confident.

These are the guys I lose my mind over. These are the guys I am drawn to. So, I’m kind of screwed, because these guys are all not just confident: they’re arrogant. They send photos of their penises, ignore you in an office of thirty people, and eat pizza before ending the relationship you thought was going to lead to marriage.

Next time around I’ll take intelligent and sexually grrrrrr without the side order of arrogance.

And a little warning would be great before opening pornographic images on my work computer.