Tag Archives: New Year

Something that happened last year

6 Jan

I haven’t been writing as much recently.  I haven’t really felt the same need to get the nasty things in my head out and onto my laptop screen. Because there haven’t been that many nasty things hanging out in there. Honestly, my darkest moments come when I dwell on the amount of cheese I’ve eaten over Christmas and the fact I fear I have put on around 100 lbs.

It’s dark and dreary outside, but in my head springtime is already here.

When I saw my counsellor before Christmas she said, “I’ll see you in the new year. And the new year can do all sorts of things to people.” I wished her a Merry Christmas and scuttled off down the street thinking how silly she was. It’s just a new year, after all. It can’t change anything.

I should have known better.

My counsellor is never silly. She’s an absolute fricking genius.

Indeed, I feel different. I feel better. I feel more like me.

I always knew – even through the depths of my sadness – that there would come a day when the pizza of doom was just something that happened to me once. Finally, I’m starting to feel that way. 

And I love being able to say that it was, “Something that happened last year”.

A fresh start

3 Jan

I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but 2014 is already a lot better than 2013.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my struggles already. Horrible weather. Lots of work to do. Having to force myself out of bed in the morning and wear something other than pyjamas to go to the office. Signing off cheese and chocolate until I shift a few lbs.

Last night I faced my greatest challenge of the year so far: taking down the Christmas tree. 

It may sound simple enough, but the truth is I had been living in fear for days. On Monday a large spider made a run for it, across my living room, behind the Christmas tree. He had been hiding out there ever since. Which meant I had to crawl around unscrewing the tree and taking off the lights in the knowledge that he was lying in wait. Petrifying. As it happened, we did not cross paths. I assume he is now lurking around in my bedroom.

Getting the tree out my front door took more strength and determination than I had anticipated. It knocked over everything in its path, and spewed needles all over my carpets. It also left a nice trail of needles all through the building (which can be traced to my front door). Anyway, out it went. And my pink tinsel reindeer, and various other Christmas characters went back in their box for another year.

Ahhhhhh, a fresh start. 

Feels good.

Happy New Year

1 Jan

2014, I’ve been waiting for you.

Goodbye, asshole

31 Dec

Well, buddies, I find myself kind of wordless.

I’ve written, and rewritten, and deleted, and written my new year post. When I read them back, I just don’t like the person doing the talking. That in itself kind of sums up 2013.

So I’m going to keep this post fairly short. I know that every year is a chance to grow and go on a journey and blah blah blah. I’ve read everyone’s Facebook statuses. But the fact is, 2013 has been the worst year of my life.

I like even numbers, so I’m holding out great hope for 2014.

Looking back over the year, the things that stick in my head are the incredible acts of kindness of some of my friends. And a few total strangers. And a few people who were total strangers but who I know consider to be good friends right here on WordPress. You know who you are.

2013, you’ve been a total asshole.

2014, please be kinder.

A little reflection

21 Dec

Today I went to see the psychic who I saw the week after the pizza of doom.

It was a good experience. We concentrated a lot more on my career and what the hell I am going to do about that area of my life. She assured me, once again, that I am getting married and having two kids. And she seemed to know exactly how I feel right now. Mainly that I am slapping on a big smile for Christmas, but regularly crying because I’m terrified I’m going to spend my whole life alone.

Just as interesting, though, was my journey to her house. The same journey I made on the 10th of August.

The 10th of August was a hot day. I was wearing a crumpled dress and flip flops because I had no clean clothes and no ability to dress myself. I had no makeup on. No jewellery. My hair was wet. I stopped at Starbucks on the way and sat shaking while trying to drink my coffee. I listened to Taylor Swift as I walked up Holloway Road. I met the psychic and almost immediately burst into tears. I spent an hour wiping my face while she assured me that, “This had to happen.” A mantra I have repeated to myself ever since. I left and sat in the park with my friend Trudi and her kids, trying to enjoy the simple pleasure of them saying cute things and doing funny things. And the I got the bus home, wondering how the hell I was going to get through a Saturday night in my flat, on my own. I was actually terrified.

Today was quite cold, and very rainy. I wore a clean dress with warm tights and my winter coat. And a hat and scarf for good measure. And all my usual jewellry. And makeup. I stopped at Costa on the way and treated myself to a full fat gingerbread latte. I sat and drank it, watching the rain, and people rushing around doing last-minute Christmas things. I listened to Christmas music on my way up Holloway Road. I chatted away to the psychic, about family and work and dating. I left, went into town and picked up some odds and ends that I still needed for Christmas. And when I got home, I immediately put on my pyjamas and revelled in the warmth of my flat, the smell of my scented candles, and A Muppet Christmas Carol.

I cried tonight. Hard. I was thinking about how my career is as successful now as I could ever have hoped it would be. But I’m the most unhappy I have ever been.

Then I thought back to the 10th of August. And the week before that. And I realised how far I’ve come.

This had to happen.