Tag Archives: new job

Stronger

23 May

One of my friends (male) started a new job last week. He’s already off sick.

Men. Pathetic.

It makes me think back to September when I started my new job in the depths of pizza of doom distress. I didn’t sleep. I could hardly eat. I was so completely miserable I couldn’t focus on anything. I used to wake up at 3 am every day and sit in the bath crying until 7 am. Then I’d throw on some clothes and head to the office.

I’m sure I made a great impression on my colleagues.

But the point is, I did it. I’m really hard on myself about not being over my ex, but I have to give myself credit for how far I’ve come and how completely impossible it seemed at the time. They say that the three most stressful things you can do in life are 1) break up, 2) change jobs, 3) move house. I did two at once. And mentally the third, because I was all ready to move in with him. I did it. Myself. And I’m stronger for it.

I think my challenge now is letting my guard down. Coming back out of my turtle shell and being open to new people.

As usual, Nashville has a great song to go with this thought.

Reasons to smile

2 Oct

For nearly nine weeks now I have woken up every morning and been hit with the pain. And the memories. Him. Him. Him. I hit ‘snooze’, try to focus on me me me, and think of reasons to be happy. Some mornings the inspiration has been somewhat lacking. In fact, many times the only thing I have been able to tell myself is, “You have really nice hair.”

This morning there were a few more glimmers of emotional sunshine than usual.

In fact, check this out:

1. Tomorrow night I am having dinner with some of my favourite ex colleagues (who are also lovely friends).

2. Some of my blogger buddies told me I should write a book. Awww. I love to write. I would love to write a book. My little broken heart soars.

3. I go on holiday in just under six weeks.

4. Rightly or wrongly (or just plain messed-uply), I am really enjoying Wedding Boy’s messages.

5. I think that, if I can get my act together, my new job is going to turn out to be great. There are interesting accounts. The people are all super nice. I just need to get my confidence back.

Count them! One, two, three, four, five reasons to be happy. Not bad at all.

Oh, and I have really nice hair.

An empty weekend

20 Sep

Week Two of the new job. Done. And, although I still feel I am completely messing it up, it was definitely easier than Week One.

I now have a whole empty weekend stretching in front of me. All my friends were busy tonight, so I walked home. I listened to The National and cried at all the songs that I had never before realised were quite so sad. And as I walked, I made plans for the empty weekend. Plans that involve more than watching TV and crying.

Tomorrow I’ll go for a run, I’ll catch up on Teen Mom, I’ll take my laptop and sit and write in a coffee shop, I’m seeing a friend in the afternoon, and at 5pm I’m seeing another psychic (anything to feel better right now). Tomorrow night I guess I’ll take it easy and watch a movie or something. Sunday is all about massage and cinema. I’m going to see ‘About Time’ which I’ve been told is truly awful, but Wedding Boy thought it was incredible so I said I’d check it out myself and give him my critique.

I’ll be honest, I wish I was spending the weekend with my ex. I wish we were going out to dinner to celebrate my second week, and that I could talk to him about everything at work, and kiss his face. I reckon he’s probably dating again by now. But that makes me think maybe it’s time for me to put up an online profile at least. I don’t need to do anything. It might just keep me entertained.

In the meantime, I made a stop on my way home. I bought myself a huge bunch of flowers and a small bottle of prosecco to say, “Well done on getting up every day and going to your new job.”

I realise that buying myself flowers probably marks me out as a loser, but – hey – nobody else was going to do it.

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Sinking

11 Sep

Sorry for the melancholy post tonight, buddies. I’m struggling to stay afloat.

I’m trying.

I still wake up at 4am every day. I tell myself not to think about him. Or I watch Netflix. Or I read. I end up crying, going over and over and over and over the same conversations.

But I’m trying.

I weigh myself and think, “Well, something good has come of all this.” I look in the mirror and know he still didn’t want me.

But I’m trying.

I tell myself I have great hair. I remember him and his brother discussing this very point. And I miss him.

But I’m trying.

I go to work at my new job and plaster on a smile and act super confident. Which lasts about ten minutes.

By lunchtime I’m sinking.

It feels like I’m disconnected from my body, bouncing off my own sides. My body and my mind and my heart are not my own. I get slower and slower as I try to get my work done. I fall behind schedule. I get angry with myself.

I email my friends, desperate to hear anything that makes me feel reassured and loved and unalone.

I wait.

And I’m sinking.

I hear back and feel myself float a little.

I read their words and I float a little further.

I see friends after work and they make me smile, and laugh, and they tell me I’m worth more than this.

And I’m trying.

I get home, and there’s a weird sense of calm. Another day done.

I go to bed, so tired that I melt into sleep with ease.

And at 4 am, it begins again.

The new job (minus the old boyfriend)

9 Sep

Today was my first day in my new job. The job he convinced me I could do. The job that was going to be part of our new life, living together, working hard, making as much money as we could for the future. The job that, yesterday, he told me he is still so proud of me for taking. Since the pizza of doom, I’ve been terrified that I can’t do it and will just mess it up.

Well, I’m a bit worried it is going to go that way. This just isn’t how this part of my life was supposed to go.

I thought last night we would have a talk and he’d tell me I would do great, and we’d go to bed and spoon, and fall asleep with our feet touching.
Instead, I spoke to my friend Ellie last night. She made me laugh with a story about a pizza order of doom that ended with the phrase, “You leave me no choice but to consult my lawyer.” I went to bed with my iPad and watched Netflix.

I thought this morning he’d tell me I looked great, and walk me to the bus stop.
I woke up crying at 4am. I did not look great by the time I got up. My bus got stuck in traffic and I was 20 minutes late on my first day. Awesome. Oh, but I had constant texts from my friends wishing me luck and sending me kisses.

I thought at lunch I’d email him and let him know how it was going.
By lunch I was sinking. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I went for a walk with a friend who already works there. I emailed some of my buddies telling them how awful I felt. And they replied and reassured throughout the afternoon.

I thought I’d go home to him, have a cuddle and tell him all about my day.
I came home to an empty flat. I phoned my parents to assure them I hadn’t had a breakdown (I know they are worried I will).

I thought we’d go for a drink to celebrate my first day, and maybe some dinner.
I had porridge and sparkling water. I took a bath to warm up (it’s cold outside). I read the blogs of some of the people who are inspiring and motivating me to keep going.

I thought we’d go to bed and spoon, and fall asleep with our feet touching.
I have a couple of telephone dates with friends tonight. Then I’ll go to bed with my iPad, and watch Netflix.

OK. So this is not how I imagined things. This is not how we planned it. And I’m not sure I still have the confidence and the charm and drive to do this job. Who knows if it will work out? Who knows if they are already wondering who this sad creature is instead of the bright, smart girl they hired? Who knows what I’ll be doing in six months?

But I know this, my friends are spectacularly supportive and kind. You can’t plan for that. It’s sheer luck.