Tag Archives: Nashville

“I don’t watch TV”

27 Jul

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The Set Up has been messaging me on Facebook.

And he seems very nice. Very normal. Just as busy as I am at the moment so we’re going to set a date to meet up in a couple of weeks time.

Then on Thursday night he dropped a bombshell.

“I don’t watch TV.”

Not, “I don’t watch much TV” or “I’m not a huge TV person”. No, no.

Straight up. “I don’t watch TV.”

I sense a problem.

I, myself, am nothing short of addicted to TV. And I feel absolutely fine about that. I work really hard. I exercise loads. I go out with friends a lot. In my downtime I like nothing more than settling down to Dance Moms or Catfish or Mad Men or Nashville. I’ll just say it: I love TV.

What’s more, in my experience, people who make sweeping statements like, “I don’t watch TV” invariably turn out to be assholes.

But I’m trying to have an open mind.

And an open heart.

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Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again

23 Jul

The morning is my thinking time.

Before my brain gets all messed up with work and conversations and ‘to do’ lists, I enjoy my journey into work, sitting on the bus daydreaming. But my mind can go to some very odd places. I don’t always even realise what it’s up to, or what I’m thinking, until the thoughts resurface later in the day.

When I got off the bus this morning I was deep in a conversation with myself. I was asking myself, “Could you go through another break up like this?”.

So, could I?

Last year in the days of torture immediately after the pizza of doom, I remember a friend telling me that I’m someone who feels extreme highs and lows (he was right about this). He told me you’ve got to feel the lows to feel the highs (true story). And then he said, “Things will get good again. You’ll feel great again. And then something like this might happen all over again and you’ll feel low. But the highs will make it worthwhile.”

Ummm. No. I looked him straight in the eye (as much as I could with tears and mascara streaming from my face) and said, “I can never feel this bad again.”

I think I was right. I think the past year has taught me all sorts of resourcefulness, but has also taught me to protect myself. And listen to alarm bells. And not fall head-over-heels-over-head-over-heels for a man with robots tattooed up his arm.

I know I will most probably experience more failed relationships in my lifetime. But when I think back to August 2013, no. No. No. No. No.

I can never feel that bad again.

I can’t.

I won’t.

Ten months since the break up

3 Jun

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I’m sitting at my desk planning holidays that I won’t ever take. Killing time before my yoga class. And I just realised that today marks ten months since the pizza of doom. Ten months. It’s a substantial period of time. But I guess not that substantial when it comes to grieving the loss of everything you ever wanted.

I’m sad, but I’m happy.

I’m sad that he’s not in my life anymore. I’m sad that he didn’t want me. I’m sad that we’ll never have a life together, or get married, or have kids, or join our families together. I’m sad that I’ll never kiss him again. Or feel his arms around me. Or lie on him while we watch Mad Men. I’m sad that I’m sure he has moved on. I’m sad that he’ll forget me. I’m sad that all my memories now drip with heavy, heavy regret. And that I’ve had to try not to think of him at all, or I know that I’ll never be able to move on. Because I’m sad to say that deep down I do still love him.

But at the same time, I am happy. I’m happy that I know I’m through the worst of it. I’m happy that it’s changed me. Although it caused me to question everything, lose all my confidence, and hate myself for a while, I’ve had to readdress things and build myself back up. I’m happy that I genuinely feel this is a better, more empathetic, loving, mature version. I’m happy I met Irish Two and that we’re friends now. I’m happy I started yoga. And started running again. And that I’ve hardly cried at all in the past week.

I’ve questioned myself, and where my faith lies (not a religious sense – I’m not religious – just in terms of where I put my trust, because we all have to put it somewhere), whether my arms really are too fat, and why anyone wouldn’t want me in their life. I’ve asked myself whether I’m too nice. Too self-critical. Too emotional.

It’s been a long journey. And I’ve some way to go. But let me promise you this, if you’re going through what I’m going through then there will come a point that the heartache lessens. Although you would never have wanted this to happen, there will come a point that you realise you’ve done OK. That you’ve learned. That you are a better person for it. Because you can’t go through something that rips up every feeling in your body and not come out stronger. If you did, you’d be defeated.

There is no denying I’m addicted to Nashville.

Well, I really like the words to the song ‘Wrong For The Right Reasons’.

Think of all the morning stars you would have missed

If you hadn’t weathered through the dead of night

Every single heartbeat you didn’t skip

Was the answer why

‘Cause the bridge that burned took you out of the way,

Made you turn around until you face the demons

Ten months ago I was about to have the worst night of my life. Tonight I have yoga, Mad Men catch up, and then bed before a crazy day preparing for a pitch tomorrow. Life isn’t how I dreamed it. But it’s OK.

 

Stronger

23 May

One of my friends (male) started a new job last week. He’s already off sick.

Men. Pathetic.

It makes me think back to September when I started my new job in the depths of pizza of doom distress. I didn’t sleep. I could hardly eat. I was so completely miserable I couldn’t focus on anything. I used to wake up at 3 am every day and sit in the bath crying until 7 am. Then I’d throw on some clothes and head to the office.

I’m sure I made a great impression on my colleagues.

But the point is, I did it. I’m really hard on myself about not being over my ex, but I have to give myself credit for how far I’ve come and how completely impossible it seemed at the time. They say that the three most stressful things you can do in life are 1) break up, 2) change jobs, 3) move house. I did two at once. And mentally the third, because I was all ready to move in with him. I did it. Myself. And I’m stronger for it.

I think my challenge now is letting my guard down. Coming back out of my turtle shell and being open to new people.

As usual, Nashville has a great song to go with this thought.

A life that’s good

7 Apr

If I ever have kids, I want to train them to be the next Lennon and Maisy.

If I ever have kids. This song pretty much sums up all I want out of life. And while I have a ridiculous DVD collection, all the Diet Coke and Aperol I ever want to drink, and many, many beautiful things that Topshop has made me, I don’t have any of the things that matter. Sad times.

I’ve made my choice

10 Jan

I’ve been a bit bad at blogging recently.

2014 is off to a crazy busy start. But, I am over the fricking moon to tell you that I’m enjoying it.

Sometimes I find myself almost hyper with glee that I feel normal again. And that I can watch TV without crying. And sleep. And eat. Oh, it’s all just so much better than I even remember it.

I’m also feeling very grrrrr about everything. I lost a lot of 2013 to sadness and that makes me angry.

After all, I’m pretty awesome.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m ever so slightly in love with the TV show Nashville. Ooohhh, I’ve listened to this song so much recently…. And just like the singer herself, I’ve made my choice between heartbreak and revival.

 

I will fall

1 Nov

I’m a huge fan of the TV show Nashville. There is perhaps no greater luxury in life than getting into a bubble bath with my iPad set up to play the latest episode.

Don’t judge.

This show is one of the things that has kept me alive for the past few months.

I’m just going to say it: I love it more than Glee.

And this song from it sums up a lot of my feelings right now. The lyrics are really poignant. Lyrics like, ‘I thought I was good at loving you, but our light went out when you wanted it to.’ And – ugh – ‘You said goodbye was forever, and I’ve spent the past year piecing my life together. Just when I think I’ve let you go, your song is playing on the radio.’

This is why I can’t meet up with my ex.

I will fall.

My heartbreak is nowhere near settling down yet. I don’t stand a chance.