Tag Archives: missing someone

So long, September

30 Sep

Another month over in just a few hours. And I’m ready for it. I love the autumn. I like coming home from work and lighting candles and putting on warm pyjamas and watching TV without feeling guilty (when it’s light and sunny outside I always feel I should be out enjoying the light and the sunniness).

Ok, so this autumn I was supposed to be moving in with him, and instead I’ve lost my boyfriend and my best friend and all those plans. But I am not a total loser. No, no. Because I’m gaining knowledge all the time.

Here is what I learned in September:

1. I’m stronger than I think
I am still of the opinion that my new job is somewhat of a disaster. But, let’s review the details. The day after the ex and I spoke on the phone, whilst still completely heartbroken, with no sleep, I started my new job. New company. New clients. New people. Big step up. No coffee machine. And I have managed to get up and go to work every day and pretend that I know what I’m doing. I have also now introduced a French press for team morning coffee. It’s not how I wanted it to be. I’m not how I wanted to be. But I’m doing it anyway. And for that reason alone, I think I’m doing OK.

2. Know when to ask for help
Week one of the new job (post telephone conversation with the ex), I really sank. I hardly slept at all. And everything got very, very dark. Honestly, I have never felt so distressed, and the hardest thing was telling my friends. The guilt of it. Ugh. People go through much worse than this. How dare I feel so terrible. Well, I did tell people. And people were incredibly supportive. Now I’m seeing a tremendous counsellor and slowly but surely a little colour is coming back.

3. If you’re still crying, it’s too soon
At one point I decided the answer was to date. I joined a dating site. I got upset that every man on there was boring/ugly/unsuccessful/not my ex. As a blogger buddy pointed out, when you’re still crying every day, it is not the time to go looking for someone else.

4. Dear God, limit the sleeping pills
A very generous doctor prescribed me some very lovely sleeping pills. At the time, they were such a gift. I was so relieved. My poor body and brain were craving rest. Badly. Turns out, these particular sleeping pills should be prescribed five-at-a-time. My doctor prescribed 28 of the bad boys. After a week of them, I had a permanent hangover. I’ve weaned myself off them with hypnosis apps and chamomile tea. I don’t sleep every night, but I feel more like me. I like me.

So tomorrow is October. Not the October I was expecting, but who knows what’s to come?

And October 1st is my Mum’s birthday. Happy Birthday to my lovely Mum. Of course, she doesn’t read my blog. She doesn’t even know I write one.

I’m pretty sure she would be horrified.

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Only know you love her when you let her go

27 Aug

I’ve been listening to this all day. Probably an ill-advised move. I wish that he would feel this way about me. It makes me wonder what he’s thinking and feeling. (Giving you the ‘Eye of the Tiger’ version not to be all doom and gloom).