Tag Archives: missing my ex


31 Mar

Springwell 2013 029

When I spoke to my ex on the phone, five weeks after the pizza of doom, I cried a lot. I tried to express to him how unbearable the pain was. How deep the shame, the disappointment, the loss.

He kept telling me I would be OK. Condescending asshole.

And when he did, I cried even more and said, “I know I’ll be OK, I just wish I could wake up in March.”

This was back in September. After the break up at the start of August.

It never crossed my frazzled little mind that by March I would still be crying every day. That things would lift, but still feel ohsolow. That I would still think about him all the time.

No, I figured by March I would be fine.

It’s the last day of March. I don’t feel fine.

But tomorrow is April.

April is my month. April is springtime. April is lighter evenings and sunnier mornings and smells of grass that’s freshly cut. April is the run up to May. And in May I go on holiday. April is my birthday. April is Easter and visiting friends in Edinburgh.

And when my ex wakes up in the month of April, I know he’ll have to think about me – seeing as it’s my name and all.

I hope it hurts.

I saw you today

7 Oct

I saw you today. I was on the bus, and you were walking to work. I caught sight of you as you were passing that café. The one we sat in after dinner on our second date, when we were too tired to go for a drink, but enjoying each other’s company too much to go home.

I knew it was you immediately. I looked at you. Properly looked.
You didn’t see me.

I watched you walking, past the bus stop where we kissed at the end of our first date.
You didn’t see me.

I looked at your face and tried to work out how you were feeling. What you were thinking.
You didn’t see me.

I thought you looked unhappy. And I wondered if you miss me. And if you’re OK.
You didn’t see me.

I really disliked your jacket.
You didn’t see me.

I felt sad. Seeing you as someone other than the man I loved, who loved me back. My best friend.
You didn’t see me.

I cried a little.
You didn’t see me.

Just as it was when we were together.
You didn’t see me at all.

I miss

31 Aug

I miss Friday nights.
I miss Pizza Tuesdays.
I miss Saturday mornings in each other’s arms.
I miss drinking cocktails.
I miss falling asleep with our feet touching.
I miss spooning.
I miss his friends.
I miss his family.
I miss our walks in Victoria Park.
I miss Broadway Market for olives and sourdough.
I miss his smell.
I miss kissing.
I miss that damn tattoo.
I miss chicken on toast, with the good mayo.
I miss checking out street art.
I miss listening to him play the ukulele.
I miss playing on the kids’ obstacle course in the park.
I miss brushing our teeth together.
I miss laughing.
I miss my best friend.
I miss everything.

Some musings on Teen Mom 2

27 Aug

I won’t lie: the weekend was really tough. I can’t really see the point in anything. Also, it feels like there are couples everywhere. Everywhere. And they are all so f***ing happy.


Still, I did indulge in one of my favourite weekend activities. Namely, drinking coffee and watching Teen Mom (Teen Mom 2, that is, I can’t take Farrah anymore). But, damn, it made me sad.


Leah, Kailyn and Jenelle all appear to be getting married in the near future. In fact, Leah got hitched at the courthouse in this week’s episode. I’m pleased for her. And she gives me great hope that I will fall in love with someone else one day as she is able to be engaged/married/broken up so often.


I’m not sure where this punk of Jenelle’s emerged from, but at least he’s no commitment-phobe (or at least wants the extra army money it appears he will benefit from if they are to marry).


And I’m very, very happy for Kailyn who, I believe, has had the worst time of them all up to this point. Javi seems like a catch, despite being a bit weird about his dogs sleeping outside.


But, dear God, poor Chelsea. Before now, I’ve felt nothing but frustration with her and this Adam obsession. Frustration with Chelsea, and anger with her dad, Randy, for spoiling her to the degree that she is ill-equipped for life. Now, I feel nothing but sympathy. This poor girl can’t catch a break. I was actually so upset by the episode (in which Adam flaunts his new girlfriend all over South Dakota) that I Googled to hear the latest news. And what do you know? He’s had a baby with the new girlfriend. My heart breaks for Chelsea. I just want to give her a big hug.


Much as I don’t want my ex to become ‘my Adam’, we are now well into Week Four and I am still crying constantly and thinking about him every second of every minute of every day. And I’m tired.

Emotional at Ikea

26 Aug

I am trying to keep busy. Busy, busy, busy. It’s a bank holiday so I got up super early, drank coffee, watched Teen Mom 2, and then took a trip to Ikea. 

I want to tell you something. My ex had never been to Ikea in his life. Fascinating, isn’t it? What kind of person has never been to Ikea? Never tried to decipher the difference between a Borgstad and a Brigit bookcase? Never felt the sickening sense of panic when it becomes apparent there is no logical way to lift boxes from the warehouse into your trolley (or worse you can move them, but then get stuck halfway)? Never spent an entire weekend building, then rebuilding, a Pax wardrobe?

My ex before this one (more about him anther time) had the great pleasure of building my wardrobe with me. Tense times. Every other piece of furniture in my flat I bought and built myself. I am 5ft 1. So I feel pretty good about this. It’s something I often boast about. I like to be independent. It’s good to know I don’t need anybody else. In fact, I think it’s important.

But that isn’t the same as not wanting somebody else. And, specifically, wanting my Ikea-virgin ex.

The last time I went to Ikea was just before Christmas. I had downloaded old pictures of Hackney off a website, printed them on nice stock, and was framing them as his Christmas present. I was so excited.

Today was less fun. Although I purchased some rhubarb cordial. So things are looking up.