Tag Archives: luck

My experience of my relationship

25 Oct

Something is on my mind.

I would like it to f*** off elsewhere, but it won’t leave, so I’ll blog about it instead.

All this talk with my counsellor about communicating with him has brought a lot of stuff to the surface. Hurtful stuff. Stuff that I think about on the bus when I’d rather be daydreaming. Stuff that distracts me at work. Stuff that has (rudely) started to ruin my enjoyment of my Ally McBeal boxset.

When the ex and I spoke on the phone, five weeks after the pizza of doom, he kept telling me that I should feel lucky that I had been in such a lovely relationship.

Lucky.

Yes, you heard me right. I should feel lucky.

Hmph.

Lucky is not my experience of this. My experience is that I was in a relationship with someone who was never in love with me. Every memory is mutated by this. My experience is painful and humiliating. My takeaway from this relationship is that I won’t trust people in the future. I will never treat anyone as nicely because it gets you nowhere. People just take advantage of niceness (and they don’t appreciate notes with hand-drawn pictures of cats and other fantastic creatures, apparently).

I feel like I wasn’t good enough. I feel stupid.

And, twelve weeks later, I still cry nearly every day.

Really. F***ing. Lucky.

(Excuse my language today, I’m terribly upset and tired).