Tag Archives: lonely

A very peculiar Tuesday (and let me remind you again to go for your smear test)

16 Sep

Today was weird. Apologies if a fairly weird post follows.

Today was the follow up from my “abnormal” smear test. I went over to Homerton Hospital for a colposcopy.

The last time I was in Homerton Hospital was just days before the pizza of doom. When I came back from New York, peeing blood with terrible cystitis, and had to haul myself over to ‘accident and emergency’. I remember not feeling that my ex was particularly empathetic. I had no idea he was planning the break up. But that’s another story.

The colposcopy wasn’t nearly as bad as I had worried it would be. Honestly, not even as bad as the smear test itself. Once I was positioned right with my legs up in the air, I relaxed. It felt like a yoga pose. I like yoga. I could do this.

Bonus, I got to watch it all on a big screen and the doctor talked me through what she could see. All was looking fine and dandy ’til she put in the dye. And then my cervix started to resemble my throat when I had tonsillitis. It wasn’t too pretty a sight.

So what does it mean? There are abnormal cells there that could be pre-cancerous. They took a biopsy (which felt quite unpleasant). Those cells will go off to get tested and in four to six weeks I’ll find out what’s going on down there. Then, I might need treatment. Or all might be OK for now.

If this all sounds a little disjointed and unsure, it’s probably because that’s how I feel. Suddenly, a lot of information comes your way. Terms you’ve never heard of. Things you’ve never considered (can I go swimming after my biopsy?). And I have every reason to believe that everything will be fine. But who knows.

I came out of my appointment today, got on the bus, got off outside my flat, came upstairs, and cried for about an hour.

I emailed my friend, who emailed back with words of absolute sense and reassurance.

I went to a restorative yoga class (which mostly involves lying on the floor, relaxing).

I came home, made pasta, watched the news.

And my ex was front-of-mind the entire time. If we were still together, what would he be telling me? What would he be doing? Would he show the same lack of empathy he did back in July last year, that morning that I found myself at the hospital, in agony?

In so many ways I love living on my own. But I’d really like somebody to talk to tonight. Even a cat.

Like I said, it was a weird day.

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I need to lose half my bodyweight! Immediately!

28 Mar

Well, you know, buddies, I’ve been feeling pretty sorry for myself of late.

And I still do.

I still think it’s ridiculously unfair that I am a thoroughly nice girl with a good sense of humour, a good job, and lovely hair, and yet I have nobody.

But I have also come to realise that moaning and worrying really doesn’t get you anywhere. So I’m wondering what else in my life (aside from being a lonely cat) I would like to change.

I would like to be thinner.

There it is.

Blame the fashion magazines. Blame the MTV. Blame what you will. But I really think there is nothing wrong with aspiring to be leaner version of oneself.

Will it make me happier?

Yes, it definitely will. And it will open up a huge new range of wardrobe choices.

But here’s the thing, I am just not prepared to get crazy about this. I cannot and will not count every mouthful and every single itty bitty calorie. I’ve been down that road before and it only leads to meltdowns over scrapings of peanutbutter and an overreliance on ice lollies. That’s a sad way to live.

I want to get some kind of exercise schedule going on. Which is ironic, because I just cancelled my gym membership. But it’s springtime now and I live opposite a huge park.

However, I’ve never been very good at getting into an exercise regime. And, by “never very good” I mean “pretty awful”. I tend to go nuts for a few weeks and then get in a mood with myself and decide not to do any of the exercises that I’ve worked so hard to build up to.

So, this time I’m throwing it open to you, my blogger buddies. Any suggestions for workouts, routines, circuits etc. that can be achieved at the park with nothing more than a skipping rope and weight resistance band thingie are most welcome.

I have five weeks until I go to Florida. I would like to be able to run on the beach and not risk being mistaken for a manatee who has swum ashore.

(Although, how cute are manatees?)

manatee11

Waaaaaaah

10 Mar

kitty-crying-1

I know it was necessary for Irish Two and me to stop the nonsense.

But I have nobody to email or text or whatsapp with while I’m at work.

I’m lonely and bored.

I’m ill… again

19 Dec

I know I’ve mentioned before that I never used to get ill. In 2012 I had not one cold. Not one. In the first half of 2013 I did not suffer so much as a sniffle. It’s something I’ve always been very proud of. Perhaps too proud.

Since the pizza of doom I have had five colds. It hasn’t even been five months yet. Now, that’s a record.

In fact, this time around I seem to have raised the bar with what I am pretty sure is tonsillitis. Lovely.

This morning I had to present to my whole agency. I’d put together a great presentation about how Christmas advertising evokes emotion, and how we can use some tricks of the trade from the big retailers for our everyday creative work. I was excited to present. But last night I got approximately one hour’s sleep. And I had to start my presentation with, “I’m sorry, I don’t usually sound like Barry White.”

So all afternoon I’ve been on the sofa trying to keep on track of what’s going on in the office. Tonight I find myself trying to sort out stuff with our New York office.

Excuse me while I moan, but this is not what Christmas is about!

All I want to do is lie down. And cuddle someone lovely.