Tag Archives: loneliness

Loneliness

27 Apr

I’m lonely.

Let’s face it. I shouldn’t still feel this rough nine months after the pizza of doom. If I had someone else in my life I probably wouldn’t. I jump at every whatsapp or text.

I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy and Arizona seems to be sleeping with Leah now. I’m pretty sure Leah has some twisted ulterior motives (probably to get in on a really good paeds surgery). Please – no spoilers. But the point is, Arizona is lonely. Leah is a comfort to her. I have a feeling it is all going to end horribly, but isn’t it funny what loneliness can do to people?

I’d like some comfort. I’d like to go to bed hearing someone else breathing beside me. I’d like to wake up and say good morning to someone. I’d like to think that if I died in my sleep it would take less than a month for the body to be found. When Irish Two and I were doing our thing, although I regularly punched him in my sleep, I loved sharing a bed with someone. Even now, I hang on his every whatsapp message. I’m desperate to feel that connection.

Apparently, when people are involved in a romantic relationship, their heartbeats sync when they sleep.

My heart has nothing. My heart has no-one.

 

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Saturday night

5 Apr

I’ve had such a nice day visiting a friend outside London. We laughed a lot. I came home in the early evening because I’m tired and wanted some time to relax in my own flat before getting some good sleeps.

It’s the first Saturday night I’ve spent alone since the start of the year.

I seem to be unable to stop crying.

Next Saturday night I’ll be on my own in New York.

Goodness knows what my heart’s going to do with that situation. I’m packing plenty of tissues.

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Backwards motion

24 Nov

I had decided I was going to feel a lot better when I got back from holiday. I thought the time away would have put distance between me and the horrible, horrible past few months.

But for some reason I’m unable to stop crying.

When I booked my holiday, I still thought I was going to be living with him by now. After all, that’s what he had planned. I thought – for once – I would be coming home to someone. To the heating turned on. To food in the fridge. To a cuddle.

I came home to an empty flat. Empty fridge. Empty heart.

Sometimes it feels like my life is going backwards.

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All the lonely people

20 Oct

I spent the past five hours on the train from Edinburgh to London. Wedding Boy texted just as I was getting on the train. Not sure what is going on there, but – due to the location difference – it has no choice but to be a slow burner either way. Which is probably good for me right now. I’ve stopped looking at my online dating profile. I miss my ex too much.

Anyway, five hours on the train, and I spent the entire journey watching season two of Ally McBeal. I have a much, much deeper appreciation for it these days. When I loved this show as a 16 year old, my only personal experience of heartbreak was dealing with the fact Leonardo DiCaprio and I were unlikely to ever get together. Now, well, it all makes so much sense.

Who knew this show is not about law at all?

It’s about loneliness.

In nearly every episode we see Ally walking home alone. Yes, she’s wearing great coats and wandering through Boston looking its most magical (I know, I know, it’s really a set in LA), but she’s alone.

The thing with loneliness is, it’s a feeling – not a state of being. I’m not isolated. I have fabulous friends in London and elsewhere. I work in a really sociable environment. I’m one of those weirdos who tends to talk to people in shops or strike up a conversation with the dude behind the till in the coffee shop.

But I am lonely.

In one episode John Cage says that loneliness means you don’t believe things are going to change. I’ve kind of been feeling that way recently. It took me 30 years to find someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I can’t imagine feeling that way again. And – if our relationship was so perfect (as he said), but he still didn’t want me – maybe I’m just not lovable in a romantic sense. Feels like there isn’t much working in my favour right now.

Wedding Boy is a nice distraction, yes. But he doesn’t take away the loneliness.

Something’s missing. He’s missing.

And every night I walk home alone.

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