Tag Archives: hurt

I love him, I love him not

11 Mar

daisy1

It’s a funny feeling having ended things with Irish Two.

I feel sad. I feel happy. I feel lonely. I feel free. I feel contented. I feel miserable. I feel empty. I feel confused. I feel rejected. I feel lucky. I feel unlucky.

I feel like I am finally over my ex.

I feel like I am still in love with my ex.

No, I’m over him.

I mean, I still love him.

No, no, no, I am over him.

I. STILL. LOVE. HIM.

Not ideal, but at least an improvement on a few months ago when all I had was I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I WISH I WAS DEAD AND I LOVE HIM.

I guess things are getting easier.

But the real test isn’t whether I love him. It’s how I feel when I reconsider the very disturbing fact that he doesn’t love me.

I don’t think that will ever stop hurting.

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I thought about you last night

11 Dec

I thought about you last night.

I didn’t think of the hurt, or the pain, or why this happened. As I was walking home in the dark with my breath making clouds in the cold, I just thought how nice it would be to be going home to you. To a cuddle. And your smell. Peanutbutter on toast. And climbing into bed together, feeling safe and warm and happy. 

It still hurts my heart to think of you.

Maybe you’re doing all those things with someone else now. Maybe you miss me. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you think of me sometimes, but know that you made the right decision. Maybe you know you made a mistake, but you’re too proud to say. 

You made me the happiest that I’ve ever been.

You made me the saddest that I’ve ever been. 

You made me excited to be alive.

You made me think it would be easier to be dead.

The memories turn to regrets. But the pain doesn’t go anywhere. The humiliation burns just as fiercely. The heartache echoes around my entire body.

I wish this was over.

I thought about you last night.   

Silly me

17 Nov

Apparently I misunderstood when you said that you loved me.

Clearly I got the wrong impression when you told me you’d never felt his way about anyone.

Obviously I got my wires crossed when you said you’d hate to ever do anything to mess this up.

And I had it wrong when you said – again and again – that you wanted me to move in. That we’d have two kids. And grow old together.

I must have misheard when you said you’d spent your whole life looking for me, and would never ever let me go.

My mistake.

What is there to say?

27 Oct

I’m feeling really low. I’m struggling to sleep without my sleeping pills again. I’m even low on inspiration for my blog.

What is there to say?

It’s been 12 weeks.

I still cry nearly every day.

Sometimes I hate him.

Sometimes I hate myself.

I’m so busy trying to distract myself that I’m exhausted.

I’ve seen two therapists.

Two doctors.

Three psychics.

Lost count of the massage therapists.

Nothing really makes me happy anymore.

I’m not even looking forward to Christmas.

I’m angry at myself for sounding so miserable and self-centered.

And I still love him.

Apparently there’s a huge storm about to sweep across the country. I hope it blows the past away.

I saw you today

7 Oct

I saw you today. I was on the bus, and you were walking to work. I caught sight of you as you were passing that café. The one we sat in after dinner on our second date, when we were too tired to go for a drink, but enjoying each other’s company too much to go home.

I knew it was you immediately. I looked at you. Properly looked.
You didn’t see me.

I watched you walking, past the bus stop where we kissed at the end of our first date.
You didn’t see me.

I looked at your face and tried to work out how you were feeling. What you were thinking.
You didn’t see me.

I thought you looked unhappy. And I wondered if you miss me. And if you’re OK.
You didn’t see me.

I really disliked your jacket.
You didn’t see me.

I felt sad. Seeing you as someone other than the man I loved, who loved me back. My best friend.
You didn’t see me.

I cried a little.
You didn’t see me.

Just as it was when we were together.
You didn’t see me at all.