Tag Archives: Halloween

October. Month of sadness and pumpkins.

31 Oct

Well, October, you’ve been a funny little poppet, haven’t you?

At the start of the month I had a full couple of weeks when I hardly cried and I slept really well. It was such a nice break from walking around sobbing all the time.  Turns out it was just a temporary break, though. Now I’m right back to where I was in August. I cry every day. I don’t sleep. I don’t see the point in anything. Yesterday I broke down in a furniture shop. So unexpected.

Usually at the end of the month I write a list of all the things I’ve learned that month. And usually it feels good to close the door and move on. Make progress. Draw a line.  This month I don’t feel that way at all.

I think I’m finding it hard to deal with the fact that it’s November tomorrow. Because, back in August, I kind of had it in my head that by November I would be OK. Maybe not amazing. But OK.

I’m not OK.

And I’m starting to wonder when I ever will be.

But I’m trying – I promise I’m trying – to be positive.

So, October, while I can’t thank you for throwing my emotions around like a blustery day, I thank you for pumpkins.

Pumpkin spice latte coffee. Pumpkin-scented candles. Pumpkin-coloured leaves. I’m having a couple of friends over tonight for a pumpkin-themed Halloween dinner, to thank them for being so incredibly wonderful and lovely and kind and understanding over the past few months.

It’s not ideal that pumpkins are the best thing to happen to me in October. But, then, nothing about this situation is ideal. Nothing at all.