Tag Archives: ex-boyfriend

Breaking the connections

29 Apr

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My keys arrived this morning. Sent from the ex in a package addressed to a friend at work (as requested). Wrapped in tissue. No note. He had already told my friend who was good enough to email and organise the whole thing that he wasn’t putting in a note as he assumed I didn’t want any communication. I wouldn’t have minded a note. I’d have liked an apology.

But the main thing is, I have my keys back.

Just as I was breathing a sigh of relief, I logged onto LinkedIn and saw an update of him connecting with some blonde lawyer girl. My stomach lurched. Clearly this was his new girlfriend. There could be no other explanation, right?

Craziness set in as I came over all Nev from Catfish googling the poor girl on every social network. Turns out she’s married to someone else, so not his girlfriend.

I took this as a sign. It’s time to step back from being mental. I deleted him as a contact on LinkedIn.

There is nothing left connecting us. Nothing at all.

Except the memory of the happiest time in my life. And the pictures in my head of him, our walks in the park, his family, his friends, drinking negronis, kissing (lots), waking up together, blurry Sunday mornings in bed, and that safe, warm feeling of being totally besotted with my life.

And the horrible realisation that is was all fake.

Happy f***ing birthday

22 Jan

Apologies, I haven’t touched blog in a long, long time.

Work has been crazy. And, honestly, I just needed a break from everything. I’ve been coming home, putting on my satin PJs, lighting some candles, eating frozen yoghurt and watching Homeland. It’s been nice. I feel like I am recuperating.

There is a lot to catch everyone up on. But that is for another day.

Because today is my ex’s birthday.

Last year I cooked him the most incredible meal. I took a day off work to cook it. I made him a cake that was quite simply magnificent. When he took it into work the next day everyone told him he should put a ring on my finger. Pronto.

Of course, as we all know, he instead decided to wait a few months and then eat half a pizza and break my heart into a billion pieces.

I’m not a nasty person. I pride myself on being one of the nicest people I have ever met.

But I hope he has a rubbish birthday.

Maybe he’s with someone else now. Maybe he’s on his own and feeling lonely. Maybe he’s out with his friends tonight.

Whatever he’s doing, I hope he remembers that meal, that cake, and the gifts I gave him last year. How I blew up balloons and made him a card.  How I made a Spotify playlist with all his favourite music. How we kissed.

And I hope he feels terrible.

Nightmares

29 Sep

I don’t have much to say tonight, except that I long for a restful night’s sleep.

I’ve managed to ditch my sleeping pill habit, and I’m getting through the night without hours and hours spent awake and horribly anxious. I still always wake between three and four, but I’ve got a knack for getting back to sleep through the power of a hypnosis app on my iPhone.

The only remaining problem is the nightmares.

Last week I had a horrific nightmare where I was watching Beyoncé ice skate across a pond that I knew wasn’t frozen. I didn’t stop her. She fell through. Other nights I find myself involved in gang warfare, and often dealing with weapons or complicated organised crime deals. It’s all very stressful for someone who panics about breaking the speed limit.

Anyway, last night I dreamt about my ex’s Mum. It wasn’t a nightmare as such. She was her usual lovely self. I woke at three in a panic about it because I felt so sad. Got the hypnosis app going. Fell back asleep. And dreamt about her again.

By morning I was emotionally exhausted. I really wanted to be part of his family. His Mum was ridiculously kind to me. As much as I need to move on from him, I need to move on from his parents and brother and nieces and nephew and his lovely friends. And they really need to stop visiting me in my sleep.

So, dearest brain, if I have the choice, I’ll take another nightmare about being inadvertently involved in Beyoncé’s death over a happy dream about any of his family members. Deal?

The ex-boyfriend and the ex-blog

5 Sep

I’m really feeling quite horrific. The crying in public kind of horrific. So I’m concentrating hard on things that prove we were not meant to be together. High up on the list is the time he got paint on my carpet and never even attempted to get the stains out. There’s also the fact he’s the only person to ever make me feel bad about having a breast reduction when I was 21, saving me from a lifetime of back pain. And, of course, he doesn’t love sunshine or the beach.

But, all that aside, a funny little memory has stuck in my mind.

This is not my first expedition into the blogosphere. I used to write a blog about animal fashions. Just to be clear, that’s not fashions for animals to wear: it’s human fashions with an animal twist. I was never very regular in posting and I’m pretty sure only my friends read it (and a few Russians according to the stats). I kind of gave up on it after the ex before the ex told me it was stupid and immature. But I enjoyed it. If you ever want to check it out it’s The Lion The Kitsch and The Wardrobe Heaven knows when I last posted anything.

So, rewind to January and I’m meeting the ex’s best girlfriend (in a platonic sense) for the first time. She’s a hipster architect. We get talking about blogs and I mentioned mine. As soon as she got home she looked it up and texted the ex telling him how awesome and hilarious it was and asking me to write more.

But he never even looked at it.

Was he not curious? That was back when I thought he really was madly in love with me (and he regularly told me he was). I took an interest in all his crap. At the time I dismissed it, thinking he just wasn’t into animal fashions (not a deal breaker), but now it has me thinking. Did he just like the idea of me?

Clearly he was far too busy reading The Guardian and The FT to catch up on a few quirky blog posts regarding ponies, puppies and pandas.

Well, once again it’s his loss. His loss in terms of fashion commentary, you understand.

Am I officially ‘losing it’?

4 Sep

So. After three sun-drenched days on holiday in Nice, I’m starting to feel…worse. Wait a minute, I am not supposed to be feeling better? This trip was “just what the doctor ordered”. Well, not the doctor, but the telephone counselling woman my work’s HR department hooked me up with. I don’t even work there anymore, so it’s pretty decent of them. Anyway, back to the holiday.

We head home tomorrow. I don’t know if it’s been going out for meals and looking at the menu, eyes filling up as I remember looking at menus with my ex (I’m embarrassed to say this has actually happened to me), but I miss him more and more.

Today we went to Cannes. That’s two hours on the bus each way from Nice. That’s four hours of my life that my backside isn’t getting back. Anyway, we arrived in Cannes and all I could think is that his parents used to have an apartment there. And I miss his parents, damnit. It’s not even just him.

Also, the food in Nice is awful. Ugh. And everywhere – absolutely everywhere – seems focused on producing pizza. Not what I needed right now.

I really want to keep my blog upbeat and to turn a corner and feel better and realise this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me etc. etc., but I have to tell you I feel lonely and I also feel like an emotional nut job who is never going to get over this. In ten years time I’ll be holed up in my flat – catless because it’s too small for a cat – muttering about the love of my life never loved me back. I can’t believe it has all ended this way. I can’t believe it has been nearly five weeks. I can’t believe I start my new job on Monday.

I have a feeling of impending doom. In a really bad way.

Some (more) musings on Teen Mom 2

1 Sep

OK, I have a wedding this afternoon. Before I start psyching myself up for it, I’m enjoying my coffee and Teen Mom time on the sofa. 

American readers, please bear in mind that I’ll be a few episodes behind you guys. So excuse me if I’m going over old ground. 

Right then. Leah is married and hassling Corey for more child support. Fair enough.

Adam continues to treat Chelsea like crap, and he and his new girlfriend are spending time with Aubree. Chelsea gets through the episode without crying. Go, Chelsea!

Kailyn and Javi take a trip to Vegas and decide, seeing as they are there, they might as well check out a wedding chapel. In the end they decide to hold off as Kailyn refuses to get married til he puts a ring on her finger. Good girl.

And Jenelle. Oh, Jenelle. After getting engaged in the last episode, she and Gary have been fighting. The episode begins with him kicking the door down. Charming. He then appears to have attacked her by trying to throttle her with some bed sheets. Wow. But they make up and he gives her a puppy to say sorry. As you do. Another fight breaks out and she heads to her Mom’s house, and calls Kieffer for some deep chat. There is so much wrong with this that I don’t know where to start. I’m extremely concerned about the welfare of that puppy.

I’m trying to find some life lessons to take from all this, but I’m daydreaming about sitting on the sofa at my ex’s house, explaining the intricacies of the relationships to him while we watched Teen Mom together. 

I can’t stand this feeling anymore.

Anyway, time to plaster on a smile and get ready for a wedding. Wish me luck.