Tag Archives: changing jobs

The new job (minus the old boyfriend)

9 Sep

Today was my first day in my new job. The job he convinced me I could do. The job that was going to be part of our new life, living together, working hard, making as much money as we could for the future. The job that, yesterday, he told me he is still so proud of me for taking. Since the pizza of doom, I’ve been terrified that I can’t do it and will just mess it up.

Well, I’m a bit worried it is going to go that way. This just isn’t how this part of my life was supposed to go.

I thought last night we would have a talk and he’d tell me I would do great, and we’d go to bed and spoon, and fall asleep with our feet touching.
Instead, I spoke to my friend Ellie last night. She made me laugh with a story about a pizza order of doom that ended with the phrase, “You leave me no choice but to consult my lawyer.” I went to bed with my iPad and watched Netflix.

I thought this morning he’d tell me I looked great, and walk me to the bus stop.
I woke up crying at 4am. I did not look great by the time I got up. My bus got stuck in traffic and I was 20 minutes late on my first day. Awesome. Oh, but I had constant texts from my friends wishing me luck and sending me kisses.

I thought at lunch I’d email him and let him know how it was going.
By lunch I was sinking. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I went for a walk with a friend who already works there. I emailed some of my buddies telling them how awful I felt. And they replied and reassured throughout the afternoon.

I thought I’d go home to him, have a cuddle and tell him all about my day.
I came home to an empty flat. I phoned my parents to assure them I hadn’t had a breakdown (I know they are worried I will).

I thought we’d go for a drink to celebrate my first day, and maybe some dinner.
I had porridge and sparkling water. I took a bath to warm up (it’s cold outside). I read the blogs of some of the people who are inspiring and motivating me to keep going.

I thought we’d go to bed and spoon, and fall asleep with our feet touching.
I have a couple of telephone dates with friends tonight. Then I’ll go to bed with my iPad, and watch Netflix.

OK. So this is not how I imagined things. This is not how we planned it. And I’m not sure I still have the confidence and the charm and drive to do this job. Who knows if it will work out? Who knows if they are already wondering who this sad creature is instead of the bright, smart girl they hired? Who knows what I’ll be doing in six months?

But I know this, my friends are spectacularly supportive and kind. You can’t plan for that. It’s sheer luck.