Tag Archives: change

For good?

6 Mar

I didn’t end things with Irish Two on Tuesday. I will on Saturday. Much more to be explained, but on Tuesday I made him talk to me. Really talk to me. About his exes, his family, his friends. Trying to get a sense of anyone he’s connected to.

It made me realise with renewed ferociousness how our relationships change us. Forever.

I am changed. Changed through my relationship with my ex. Changed by our breakup. In all kinds of ways, and I’m sure even more to come that I haven’t even realised yet.

I used to be a huge fan of the musical Wicked. It’s harder to be a fan now. That last weekend my ex and I were together in New York I got us tickets to see it on Broadway. We held hands through the whole thing. It was a clammy July night. We rode the subway back downtown, drank cocktails and ate oysters on Water Street.

Not being able to listen to the Wicked soundtrack – just another way I’m changed.

But tonight I let myself listen to the song ‘For Good’.

I knew it would hurt.

Of course, the song is about best friends, not a couple. But much of it rings true.

He’s still with me, like a handprint on my heart. So much of me is made of what I learned from him. And, whatever way my story ends, I know he has rewritten it.

He’s changed me for good.

But not for the better. I’ve done that on my own.

What if you could travel back in time?

22 Sep

I took my broken heart to the movies this afternoon. I think the immersive feel of the cinema helps take my mind off things. On Wedding Boy’s recommendation, I went to see ‘About Time’. I fully expected it to be a saccharine rom com that half bored me and half annoyed me. Quite the contrary. It’s a gorgeous movie, and I cried through the whole thing. Don’t let that put you off. It isn’t sad until the end, it’s just that I cry at the happy bits too these days.

Now, if you don’t know the basic plot, a guy discovers he has the ability to go back in time to ‘redo’ stuff. I know. Sounds horrific. Trust me, it’s done tastefully.

Anyway, it got me thinking about my ex (surprise surprise), and our relationship.

If I could go back in time like the dude in the movie, what would I redo?

I wouldn’t redo anything.

I wouldn’t change our first date, being 15 minutes late because I got stuck at work, or toasting the birth of my littlest nephew with champagne to start the evening. I wouldn’t change saying, “YES!” when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Or how nervous I was the first time I met his friends. Or how very, very nervous I was when I first went to spend the weekend in Ireland with his family. I would still write him a short story for Valentine’s Day. And take the day off work before his birthday to learn how to make arancini – and then make arancini (his favourite food that disappeared from Broadway Market last winter). I’d still have him to stay in my flat for a month when his house was being renovated. I wouldn’t change any of the “I love yous”, or the lazy afternoons on the sofa, or runs in the park, or drunken nights in our favourite cocktail bar.

And when he went to New York and things got weird? Well, it’s a fine line between a regret and a memory. But I wouldn’t be any less supportive than I was. Yes, though in the end it was humiliating, I’d still send him my stupid, cheerful emails. I’d still make him cupcakes when he came home for a week and complained that I was “too excited”. I’d still count the days ‘til I got to see his face.

Because, whatever happened – and I don’t think I’ll ever really know – one thing I have is the knowledge that I was the best girlfriend I could be. I loved as much as I could. He said himself that he was the happiest he’s ever been in his life when he was with me. I know I was the happiest that I’ve ever been.

In fact, the only thing I might change, if I had the chance, would be to have never met him in the first place. At least that way the haunting blissfulness would never flicker through my mind, and I’d have nobody to miss.