Tag Archives: bridesmaid

The presence of love

15 Sep

The wedding was lovely. And it was a very fun weekend. Despite personally having a few dark moments, there was swimming and champagne and my bedroom was roughly twice the size of my apartment with a stunning view of Edinburgh castle. Of course I had fun.

I think the thing that struck me most, and the thing that made me cry more than once, was being in the presence of love. Since the pizza of doom I’ve doubted everything. I’ve felt like it’s all a lie. That marriage and love aren’t for real. That there’s no point in hoping for it, because it’s all a hoax anyway. And all the lovely, thoughtful things I did for my ex and the way I felt for him, well, it was worthless and stupid. I was a fool.

I have news for myself: it’s not a hoax.

I reckon it’s rare. I don’t think everyone who gets married has it for real. But Sarah and Matt definitely do.

It wasn’t the boxes of wedding days gifts he left in our ‘getting ready room’, complete with earings to match her engagement ring, iPod stocked with her favourite music, chocolates, champagne, and personalised slippers for her bridesmaids (thank you, Matt!). It wasn’t the way he looked at her when she reached the bottom of the aisle (she looked stunning, any man would have done a double take). Or the way they looked at each other, and laughed with each other, while saying their vows (which made me cry as they still sum up exactly how I feel about my ex). It was later, watching them dance. Without sounding like a pervert or a stalker, I watched them for a while. I couldn’t even tell you what in particular I noticed, nothing specific, no particular gestures or dramatic embraces. Just an overwhelming sense of protection, passion, friendship and care.

He loves her. She loves him. You can’t miss it.

While I’m in my own personal heartache paralysis – bitter, uncertain, insecure and angry – it’s good to know they still make that kind of love.

Maybe I’ll never find it. Maybe I’ll only ever want it with my ex. Maybe. But maybe not.

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Wedding weekend

13 Sep

I’m on an excessively bumpy train on my way to Edinburgh for the wedding. It feels like a very non-fun roller coaster (much like life right now – and I usually love roller coasters). The bumpiness is actually making me angry. My iPad keeps jumping onto the floor. The glass of gin and tonic is perhaps too great a risk but I’m taking it anyway. I deserve it.

I have so many feelings about this weekend. Mainly, ‘WHY ISN’T HE WITH ME?’. I refuse to become an awful, self-centred, miserable bridesmaid, but when you have hardly slept all week, feel broken, and also feel very much like you resemble a mushroom, it’s hard to be positive.

I stocked up on magazines for my 5-hour journey. I carefully sourced the publications with the most celebrity breakup news amongst their headlines. Somehow comforting. One of my friends just texted and told me if you smile it tricks your brain into feeling happy.

So tomorrow I’ll put on my biggest smile and my beautiful dress. We’ll get our makeup and hair done. One of my very best friends will walk down the aisle. We’ll eat and drink and laugh and catch up with old friends. We’ll dance – celidh of course – and stay up ’til the early hours of the morning.

But I know when I go back to my hotel room and climb into bed, I’ll miss his arms, his face, his smell. And my feet will miss his feet.

Am I a terrible friend?

29 Aug

One of my best friends is getting married in two weeks. I’m a bridesmaid. When she asked me to be her bridesmaid I was so excited I could hardly sleep. We’ve been friends since university, we used to live together, I really like her fiancĂ©. I am happy for her. Of course I am.

But whenever I think about this wedding I start crying.

It’s not because I fear I’ll never get married. It’s because my ex was supposed to be there. Instead, I have two first-class train tickets to myself, and a lovely, big room in the nicest hotel in Edinburgh. To myself.

I hate going to weddings alone.

The hen party was two weeks ago. I found it really tough.

And on top of feeling bad because I’m sad, I feel guilty for being sad.

Today I went to get some spanx for under my dress and some shoes to match the dress. I ended up crying, feeling dizzy, and wandering around with the craziest craving for sushi (no sushi in sight). Then another customer (a large customer, I hasten to add) literally fell into a shop that I was leaving and punched me in the stomach in the process. It sounds unlikely, I know. But this actually happened.

The good news is that The Body Shop had 40% off and I bought every coconut-themed product that they make. I love coconut. My ex used to call me his “tropical princess”.

I hate that even coconut reminds me of him.

I’m mad at myself for still being so upset about this.

I’m angry that I miss him so much.

Also I really despise the Phones4U ads about how “breaking up doesn’t have to be hard”. Assholes.

I need this to stop hurting. Ideally in time for the wedding.