Tag Archives: break up music

All too well

8 Nov

I. Am. On. Holiday.

OK, I’m not flying ‘til Sunday, but I am finished work for two long weeks. Delightful. I celebrated with a massage on my way home tonight.

Funny, though. I don’t quite feel the crazy holiday excitement that I usually get.

It’s this time of year, damnit. Last year at this time, well, it was the happiest I’ve ever been. For about two months I was on the highest of highs. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have met him. I couldn’t believe how incredible he made me feel.

I know this makes me (the dumpee) sound pathetic. But – believe me – he was the same. He was the one talking about marriage and moving in and kids. Not me. Him. I remember it all too well.

Now, let me just take a moment to thank Taylor Swift. There are days when hearing her pinpoint my emotions literally got me out of bed. Sometimes she seems like the only one who understands me.

Tonight I was listening to ‘All Too Well’ on the way home, and realised just how accurately it describes my current situation. As if the break up isn’t painful enough, I have to cope with remembering the blissfully happy times. The disgustingly happy times. And while he says he was never in love with me, I remember how he acted back them. I remember it all too well.

Unfortunately, I can’t think about it for too long without also remembering the mess I’m in now.

“You call me up again just to break me like a promise. So casually cruel in the name of being honest.”

I couldn’t describe my ex better. I’m certain that he feels OK about himself after our phone call (five weeks after the pizza of doom). I’m sure that he believes he did the right thing in telling me he was never in love with me. In the name of being honest. Why couldn’t he have said his feelings just changed? Why couldn’t he have made up something – anything – rather than leave me with that emotional baggage?

The damage is going to stay with me for a long, long time.

More than three months have passed and every morning I still struggle to get out of bed. Every day I cry. A lot. And I wonder just what exactly makes me so unlovable?

The old April would be so ecstatic and hyper about her holiday, she’d have massive butterflies flapping around in her stomach. No butterflies today. But hopefully two weeks of sunshine will help bring the real me back.

Because, as my good friend Taylor puts it,

“I’d like to be my old self again but I’m still trying to find it.”

I liked the old me. I remember her all too well.

God help me. Am I the only one (who’s ever felt this way)?

23 Aug

I’m not ashamed to say it: I’m a big country music fan. Hell, I lived in Austin for a year, how could I not be? But right now more than ever I’m taking solace in the wise words and lyrical ways of the likes of Taylor, Reba, and – of course – the Dixie Chicks.

In fact, I’ve made myself a nice little Spotify playlist charmingly entitled, ‘J**** Ch**** I feel like S***’. I added the *s in case anyone’s easily offended. The original is far more crude.

Well, today (break up day 20 as it goes) I’m listening over and over and over and over to the Dixie Chicks ‘Am I the Only One (Who’s Ever Felt This Way?)’.

Every word rings so fricking true it had me sobbing on the Central Line this morning. I guess the secret’s in the name. Yes, it makes me cry til I’m red and shaky, but it feels good to know that – if the Dixie Chicks are singing about it – I can’t be the only one who’s ever felt this miserable. Misery loves company, right? And if others have lived through this steaming pile of crap then I can too.

I’m smothered by this emptiness. I wish I was made of stone. Like a fool I led my soul to love and it paid me back in change. There is a wound inside me and it’s bleeding like a flood. There’s times when I see a lot ahead, but hope is not enough. Yes, yes, yes. I feel all of these things, Dixie Chicks.

But there is a line with which I take exception. ‘And it wrung me out, and strung me out, and it hung years on my face.’

Dear. God. No.

I think I’m a pretty average-looking girl by all accounts. I’m not one to plaster on makeup or get overly concerned about the state of my hair (which hasn’t been cut in eight years). But, by fortunate accident, I’m blessed with looking about five years younger than I actually am. Ain’t no way I’m letting this break up take what remains of my youth.

Dixie Chicks – Am I The Only One