Tag Archives: autumn

October. Month of sadness and pumpkins.

31 Oct

Well, October, you’ve been a funny little poppet, haven’t you?

At the start of the month I had a full couple of weeks when I hardly cried and I slept really well. It was such a nice break from walking around sobbing all the time.  Turns out it was just a temporary break, though. Now I’m right back to where I was in August. I cry every day. I don’t sleep. I don’t see the point in anything. Yesterday I broke down in a furniture shop. So unexpected.

Usually at the end of the month I write a list of all the things I’ve learned that month. And usually it feels good to close the door and move on. Make progress. Draw a line.  This month I don’t feel that way at all.

I think I’m finding it hard to deal with the fact that it’s November tomorrow. Because, back in August, I kind of had it in my head that by November I would be OK. Maybe not amazing. But OK.

I’m not OK.

And I’m starting to wonder when I ever will be.

But I’m trying – I promise I’m trying – to be positive.

So, October, while I can’t thank you for throwing my emotions around like a blustery day, I thank you for pumpkins.

Pumpkin spice latte coffee. Pumpkin-scented candles. Pumpkin-coloured leaves. I’m having a couple of friends over tonight for a pumpkin-themed Halloween dinner, to thank them for being so incredibly wonderful and lovely and kind and understanding over the past few months.

It’s not ideal that pumpkins are the best thing to happen to me in October. But, then, nothing about this situation is ideal. Nothing at all.

Cheerful autumn thoughts

28 Oct


My blog has been a little morose of late. I can imagine you are all tired of hearing me whine. I’m worse than Carrie Bradshaw at her most self-centred (when she cheats on Aidan).

So here’s some good stuff I want to share:

1. The storm that is about to “devastate” London (weather people are so dramatic. I think it’s an inferiority thing from working alongside journos who are reporting on politics and world events and crime, while they are reporting on clouds and stuff) has the same name as my sister. Jude.

2. The leaves that have all been shaken from the trees are very pretty.

3. I’m working in a coffee shop today with my fellow Creative Director. Team planning, business planning, etc etc. it’s easier to do this stuff than come up with amazing creative ideas when your brain is determined to be sad and focused on your ex. Coffee is delicious.

There we go. Just some ramblings. Just because.

Jude’s on the way…

So long, September

30 Sep

Another month over in just a few hours. And I’m ready for it. I love the autumn. I like coming home from work and lighting candles and putting on warm pyjamas and watching TV without feeling guilty (when it’s light and sunny outside I always feel I should be out enjoying the light and the sunniness).

Ok, so this autumn I was supposed to be moving in with him, and instead I’ve lost my boyfriend and my best friend and all those plans. But I am not a total loser. No, no. Because I’m gaining knowledge all the time.

Here is what I learned in September:

1. I’m stronger than I think
I am still of the opinion that my new job is somewhat of a disaster. But, let’s review the details. The day after the ex and I spoke on the phone, whilst still completely heartbroken, with no sleep, I started my new job. New company. New clients. New people. Big step up. No coffee machine. And I have managed to get up and go to work every day and pretend that I know what I’m doing. I have also now introduced a French press for team morning coffee. It’s not how I wanted it to be. I’m not how I wanted to be. But I’m doing it anyway. And for that reason alone, I think I’m doing OK.

2. Know when to ask for help
Week one of the new job (post telephone conversation with the ex), I really sank. I hardly slept at all. And everything got very, very dark. Honestly, I have never felt so distressed, and the hardest thing was telling my friends. The guilt of it. Ugh. People go through much worse than this. How dare I feel so terrible. Well, I did tell people. And people were incredibly supportive. Now I’m seeing a tremendous counsellor and slowly but surely a little colour is coming back.

3. If you’re still crying, it’s too soon
At one point I decided the answer was to date. I joined a dating site. I got upset that every man on there was boring/ugly/unsuccessful/not my ex. As a blogger buddy pointed out, when you’re still crying every day, it is not the time to go looking for someone else.

4. Dear God, limit the sleeping pills
A very generous doctor prescribed me some very lovely sleeping pills. At the time, they were such a gift. I was so relieved. My poor body and brain were craving rest. Badly. Turns out, these particular sleeping pills should be prescribed five-at-a-time. My doctor prescribed 28 of the bad boys. After a week of them, I had a permanent hangover. I’ve weaned myself off them with hypnosis apps and chamomile tea. I don’t sleep every night, but I feel more like me. I like me.

So tomorrow is October. Not the October I was expecting, but who knows what’s to come?

And October 1st is my Mum’s birthday. Happy Birthday to my lovely Mum. Of course, she doesn’t read my blog. She doesn’t even know I write one.

I’m pretty sure she would be horrified.