Tag Archives: 30s

The unfathomable

27 Mar

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I’m working from home this morning before I go to the doctor to get this stick taken out of my arm. I woke up with really sore boobs again today. It is definitely the right decision to get this sucker whipped out.

Anyway. I digress. I need to stop talking about boobs.

I saw my counsellor last night and was probably the most teary I have been in a long time. And I confessed to her – the poor person who has to listen to my saddest little tales of self-pitying woe – that every night I come home, sit on my sofa, eat a Marks and Spencer’s kids meal, and cry and cry and cry.

We deduced that there are two main reasons for this.

  1. The time of year

I thought I was going to be in Japan with him right now. Last year at this time, he was about to move in with me for a month. And everything was amazing and happy and the best time in my life. Next week is my birthday. I honestly don’t even see the point in having a birthday. I have nothing to celebrate. Nothing. I can’t even say I’ve made it through the worst year of my life, because I don’t feel like I’ve made it through. How can I be eight months on from the breakup and tell my counsellor, “Yes, if he asked, I would take him back. I don’t know why. I love him.” His Mum bought me antique spoons for my birthday last year. It is the best present anyone has ever given me. This alone sends me into fits of sobbing.

  1. The unfathomable

What with the whole turning 32 thing, I’m questioning life. I have a career. I have an apartment. I have a good social life. I have lots of nice clothes and more bottles of Philosophy bubble bath than you can shake a loofah at. I would give it all up to meet someone. And I’ve reached the point that I genuinely don’t think that is ever going to happen. I look at my friends in their relationships – whether they’re just happy together, or getting married, or having babies – and it is unfathomable to me that this can happen.

 

For the most part I’m content. I’m enjoying work. MTV continues to produce shows that thrill me. But the moment I start thinking about stuff, I start crying.

I genuinely wonder if I’ve done something bad in a past life (because I can’t think of anything that bad that I’ve done in this life) to deserve this hopelessness.

But then I kind of believe that you only get one life. And mine is just not working out how I want it to.

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Bonjour, Paris

13 Mar

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Well, I’m working late again. Dealing with some kind of video edit catastrophe. I’ve had to cancel dinner with two lovely friends. I feel pretty sorry for myself right now.

But I did get some happier news earlier. Work-related, of course. There is little else in my life right now.

I’m going to Paris for two days next week to pitch for a new account.

Ahhh, Paris in springtime.

Where honeymooners kiss on the banks of the Seine. And wander through the streets hand-in-hand. And gaze upon each other over coq-au-vin and bottles of vin. And declare their love unbreakable by locking padlocks to the Pont des Arts.

Only I could be going there with colleagues. To pitch for a marketing account. For an engineering firm.

Wow.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited. Travelling with work is one of my favourite things about work. A trip abroad makes all those days in London in an office with no windows (true story) worthwhile.

I’m just moaning because I’m bitter. It’s what I do these days.

Going to Paris sans petit ami means unlimited time to myself in Sephora on the Champs-Elysées.

I win.

Being a Grinch (sorry)

10 Dec

Christmas is a funny time. Every year of my entire life I have spent Christmas with my family, and stayed at my parents’ house (although there have been years we spent Christmas Day at my Aunt’s, or my sister’s). Which is very nice for me, really. I realise there are a lot of people that don’t have family to be with, or who can’t be with their family due to distance or circumstances.

But I’m 31.

I still feel like when I get on the train from London, it’s as if I’m a 19-year-old student coming home from university for the holidays, or a school kid finishing up for Christmas break. I’m a grown up. And yet I feel like an overgrown kid.

I just wish that I had someone to share it all with. My Mum and Dad have each other, my sister has her husband and her kids. And then there’s me.

When my sister was 31 she was married. When my Mum was 31 she was married with a kid.

We’re spending Christmas Day at my sister’s house this year. My nephews. My sister and brother-in-law. My Mum and Dad. My sister’s in-laws. And me. Singular.

Believe me, I know I’m a lucky cat and I feel very guilty for feeling the way I do.

But I feel empty.

Happy Facebook updates

26 Oct

If one more person announces on Facebook that they are pregnant, I will leave Facebook.

I actually won’t. I love Facebook.

Just being dramatic because the best news I posted all week was Starbucks comically misspelling my name on the side of an Americano.

Well, I found it funny.