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Do you believe in life after love?

29 Nov

Skip to about 0.55 when she actually starts singing.

It makes me cry.

Also, Nicole Scherzinger’s breakdown afterwards just goes to show – even celebrities have to put up with this sh**.

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Stop crying your heart out

24 Nov

If only I could.

Yet another song I’ve always loved, but the lyrics of which now give me goosebumps.

I’m not sure there is a more fitting, compassionate, and brutally hopeful breakup song.

All too well

8 Nov

I. Am. On. Holiday.

OK, I’m not flying ‘til Sunday, but I am finished work for two long weeks. Delightful. I celebrated with a massage on my way home tonight.

Funny, though. I don’t quite feel the crazy holiday excitement that I usually get.

It’s this time of year, damnit. Last year at this time, well, it was the happiest I’ve ever been. For about two months I was on the highest of highs. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have met him. I couldn’t believe how incredible he made me feel.

I know this makes me (the dumpee) sound pathetic. But – believe me – he was the same. He was the one talking about marriage and moving in and kids. Not me. Him. I remember it all too well.

Now, let me just take a moment to thank Taylor Swift. There are days when hearing her pinpoint my emotions literally got me out of bed. Sometimes she seems like the only one who understands me.

Tonight I was listening to ‘All Too Well’ on the way home, and realised just how accurately it describes my current situation. As if the break up isn’t painful enough, I have to cope with remembering the blissfully happy times. The disgustingly happy times. And while he says he was never in love with me, I remember how he acted back them. I remember it all too well.

Unfortunately, I can’t think about it for too long without also remembering the mess I’m in now.

“You call me up again just to break me like a promise. So casually cruel in the name of being honest.”

I couldn’t describe my ex better. I’m certain that he feels OK about himself after our phone call (five weeks after the pizza of doom). I’m sure that he believes he did the right thing in telling me he was never in love with me. In the name of being honest. Why couldn’t he have said his feelings just changed? Why couldn’t he have made up something – anything – rather than leave me with that emotional baggage?

The damage is going to stay with me for a long, long time.

More than three months have passed and every morning I still struggle to get out of bed. Every day I cry. A lot. And I wonder just what exactly makes me so unlovable?

The old April would be so ecstatic and hyper about her holiday, she’d have massive butterflies flapping around in her stomach. No butterflies today. But hopefully two weeks of sunshine will help bring the real me back.

Because, as my good friend Taylor puts it,

“I’d like to be my old self again but I’m still trying to find it.”

I liked the old me. I remember her all too well.

Thank you, Disney

5 Nov

Don’t ask me why, but I spent much of today listening to the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack. I’m as surprised as you are.

I guess I’ve finally bored myself by repeatedly playing my jaunty little breakup playlists (‘This. Will. Not. Kill. Me’, ‘Trust your guts not the Irish’, and ‘J**** C**** I feel like S***’).

Beauty and the Beast. Ahhh. Memories.

When I was eleven, I was not cool.

Let’s be clear: I’m not cool now. But when I was eleven it suddenly became very important to be cool. Sadly, I did not get the memo. So, while other girls were pining over Take That, shopping in Tammy Girl and starting to hang out with boys, I was plastering my room in horse posters and making up dance routines to Disney soundtracks.

Beauty and the Beast was a favourite.

I still can’t listen to it without going over (frankly very happy) memories of jumping around my bedroom in something resembling a costume that I’d fashioned from my school gym kit and my sister’s hand-me-downs.

1993 was a simpler time. And listening to the music really improved my otherwise dark and gloomy mood today.

Yes, it also reminded me of watching movies with my ex’s niece. Which made me sad. That made me wonder how she is and if she ever asks about me. And if he’s explained what happened between us, and whether it makes any more sense to her than it did to me.

But I’ll never know.

What I do know is it’s impossible not to feel good when you listen to a song about dancing cutlery.

Maybe, just for today, I wanted a break from all these grown up problems. Maybe I wanted to escape to the days when the worst thing that happened was losing my homework diary or not making the netball team. Maybe I just wanted to remember a time when I was really, really happy.

I will fall

1 Nov

I’m a huge fan of the TV show Nashville. There is perhaps no greater luxury in life than getting into a bubble bath with my iPad set up to play the latest episode.

Don’t judge.

This show is one of the things that has kept me alive for the past few months.

I’m just going to say it: I love it more than Glee.

And this song from it sums up a lot of my feelings right now. The lyrics are really poignant. Lyrics like, ‘I thought I was good at loving you, but our light went out when you wanted it to.’ And – ugh – ‘You said goodbye was forever, and I’ve spent the past year piecing my life together. Just when I think I’ve let you go, your song is playing on the radio.’

This is why I can’t meet up with my ex.

I will fall.

My heartbreak is nowhere near settling down yet. I don’t stand a chance.

I wanna dance with somebody

28 Sep

I had a nice day. One of my best friends is over from Australia. I drank a lot of coffee with her, which was fabulous. We caught up on everything and I got through my whole story without sobbing. Go me! I went to the gym. Did some shopping. Cleaned my kitchen. And finally settled down to the X Factor about an hour ago.

Yes, I love the X Factor. Don’t judge.

I have two favourites this year: Abi and Melanie. Tonight they both decided to break my heart a little.

I had never before realised how sad this song is. It’s really not about dancing at all. (Who knew?) It’s about loneliness.

And if that didn’t have me sobbing enough, Melanie followed up with this.

Since I find myself in my pyjamas watching X Factor on a Saturday night, it’s fair to say I’m wanting to dance with somebody. With somebody who loves me.

But the past couple of days, the sadness has cleared a little. Just a little. Just enough for me to give myself a good talking to. While, at the start of the week, I was emailing my friends to tell them that my life had no point, today I’m not even looking for a point. I don’t need one. I’m a good, kind person and I have as much right to be happy as anyone else.

My friend Kate and I were discussing this on Thursday night. It might sound melodramatic – and maybe it’s just indicative of what a nice life I’ve had – but this breakup is genuinely the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

The good news is (as Kate was quick to point out) it has to get better from here.

Sure, something like this might happen in the future. But I’ll be OK. Because I’m small but strong. I can get through this. And I will never let anyone hurt me like this again.

Wouldn’t you know it? Mel’s already sung about such things on the X. (Please excuse Gary’s lip synching.)

The National – Slow Show

22 Sep

Another old favourite that has taken on new meaning for me.

Listen for one of the most romantic lines ever, “You know I dreamed about you, for 29 years, before I saw you.”

My ex used to say he’d spent his whole life looking for me. And yet, somehow, I’m the one with everything I love “lost in drawers”.