Sometimes I wonder

26 Sep

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel normal again.

It’s over a year since the Pizza of Doom. I’m a different person now. I actually think I’m more confident, more resilient, more empathetic. I know I’m stronger than I realised. I know I’m wiser now. But I think, deep down, there’s lasting damage. There are depths of sadness which I never thought I’d reach – and which I hope I never fall to again – but that scare me still.

Last night I went on a date.

The guy was really lovely. He has a great job, he lives quite near me and has his own flat, he has lovely manners. But I found myself picking away at him inside my head. Too nice. Too thin. Too boring.

He insisted on paying for dinner. Which, I’ll admit, felt nice. It’s been a long time since a boy bought me dinner. But then when he asked to see me again I felt I had to say yes.

So we’re meeting up on Sunday for a walk and lunch.

Which should feel nice, whether or not I end up fancying him and wanting to see him again. He’s a nice guy. It will be a nice afternoon.

Yet I found myself crying as I walked home from work tonight. Because he’s not my ex. He never will be. And I will never have my ex back.

I don’t think I’ll ever feel the way I felt about him ever again.

Which means I might be destined to be alone. Forever.

7 Responses to “Sometimes I wonder”

  1. juliagoolia1920 September 26, 2014 at 8:21 pm #

    Break ups suck. They’re terrible, complicated and leave you completely confused about your life. Don’t feel like you have to go on another date with this guy. The worst thing you can do is to force yourself to like someone or to date someone before you’re ready. It’s bad for you and it’s bad for them.

    I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You’re getting there, even if it doesn’t seem like it. Everybody says this, and it’s so hard to take in, but focus on yourself. I hope this helps, if it didn’t, please know this was my sincerest attempt to sympathize with the situation.

  2. angrybeeornottobee September 27, 2014 at 1:26 am #

    I’m trying to think of it as a different set of feelings for a different person. We will never feel the same way about two different people. It doesn’t mean that we’re destined to be on our own forever. We’ll just have a different set of feelings.

  3. Leah September 27, 2014 at 2:11 pm #

    First of all, do not let this one go. Go on the date and keep his number.

    Secondly, I wish is could talk with you on the phone. If you desire to someday… 7142720040(USA).

    You are doing amazing in your healing process. Very proud of you. It takes a tremendous amount of courage and wisdom to venture down the “healing path.”

    You need to look at why you loved your ex. Write down a pro and con list. Why are you still mourning the loss? Write down a list of why and what you wanted from that relationship. Next, look at your past relationships. Do you have a pattern of choosing a pertain type of person to be in love with? (I sure did). What was your family life like? What type of role did you play in your family? Pros and cons of that role.

    That last paragraph with help you break the cycle of dysfunction. Well, I call it a cycle of dysfunction.

    Also, read the book book: “living and thriving in a not so perfect marriage” by KArla Downing. I know your not married but the principles in the book are like changing. Trust me….this was a tool I stumbled on that saved my life.

    Thank you for holding being you and sharing with us your thoughts and feelings.

    Sent from my iPhone


  4. jadedwildcat September 27, 2014 at 4:31 pm #

    Again, you’ve written things just as I am experiencing them too.
    So very uncanny ….

    Anyway yeah, I was just telling a friend this morning that I sometimes wonder if I should just wander the earth alone for the rest of my life now because I will *never* feel like anyone else could ever compare to my ex (either of them). In my case I’m suffering the misfortune of having two guys to still be hung up on – each with very different qualities from the other, but it’s like one of them had all the love and affection and fun I wanted, the other took good care of me and made me feel safe and secure -…
    It drives me nuts because I do the same nitpicking thing whenever I start talking to a new guy, already telling myself it’s not going to be the same, it’s not going to work out because of this and this or this…
    It’s such a heartbreaking thing to go through. It’s not fair that they made such an impact on us that we are now in agony trying to live without them… and meanwhile they’ve gone on happily with their lives, not looking back.

    • aprileb September 27, 2014 at 5:30 pm #

      “In agony trying to live without them”. I couldn’t have put it better x

  5. mick1982 October 6, 2014 at 8:30 pm #

    You aren’t going to be alone forever…


  1. Very little can happen in a month | Pizza of Doom - October 23, 2014

    […] pretty sure I’ll never get over my ex. I haven’t been on any dates since the incredibly boring man. I’ve been mulling a lot. Thinking about a future alone. Scaring myself. And then I just say, […]

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