The thoughts that wake me at 3am

7 Sep

I’m awake in the middle of the night.

Someone in my building is having a party. The music is loud and obnoxious.

I was dreaming about a presentation I have to give at work on Monday. Not some crazy dreamworld presentation where you imagine you are presenting in your PJs to the cast of Friends about some random topic like the use of broccoli as a pizza topping. No, no. Just plain boring real-world stuff. About branding. Even at the weekend, my brain fills itself with work.

Because what else is there?

Going into hospital for a day next week to get my cervix checked out following a weird smear test?

Which yoga class to go to tomorrow?

How I’m ever going to clear enough stuff from my flat to get a new carpet fitted?

Why a certain friend ignores me these days?

Or the thought that reverberates. And only intensifies after a look on Tinder or eHarmony.

I am never going to meet somebody.

11 Responses to “The thoughts that wake me at 3am”

  1. jadedwildcat September 7, 2014 at 4:17 am #

    Interesting how you actually notice that feeling intensifying after perusing dating sites; my bestie pointed out to me that just BEING on those sites probably worsens my mood and my life more than it gives me hope or at least distraction…
    And yet, I can’t stop going online either. Just can’t. I have to keep looking and not give up completely…
    … but yeah I know the feeling.
    I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone either.
    At least not anyone who’ll really matter ever again… </3

    • aprileb September 7, 2014 at 5:50 pm #

      It is interesting, right? I didn’t even realise that’s what I was saying until you repeated it back to me. Those sites make me feel literally left on a shelf. And those shopping, well, they are far from appealing. Ugh. The distraction is very possibly not worth it.

  2. Anthony Rose September 7, 2014 at 5:18 am #

    Both of you will, just as you least expect it….

    • jadedwildcat September 9, 2014 at 12:57 pm #

      Thanks for the optimism…but in the meantime this feeling is so crushing and filled with despair. =\

  3. luciddream85 September 7, 2014 at 8:09 am #

    Be careful what you wish for. You may end up like me and then wish you were alone.

    • jadedwildcat September 9, 2014 at 12:58 pm #

      Is that really how you feel though? 😦 If so, I’m really sorry to hear…
      I seem to recall you saying that you will never do ‘alone’ though… Did you ever consider trying it before, maybe just to make sense of how you feel?

      • luciddream85 September 9, 2014 at 1:42 pm #

        I’ve tried it. I hate it more than I hate being with someone I’d rather not be with. Some days it’s how I feel – like when things are really bad. Other days I could just care less. It’s a vicious cycle.

      • jadedwildcat September 9, 2014 at 2:40 pm #

        You know, before this period I’m going through right now, I never did the alone thing either. First time for me and… I guess I’m not HATING it. I’d say for the most part it’s actually kind of refreshing just having me, myself and I to think about when I wake up in the morning. What do *I* want to do today, what do *I* want to eat, etc…
        It’s mostly just the lonely MOMENTS that get to me… like how I hate going to sleep alone at night, and how I miss going out to eat with someone, going for walks and holding someone’s hand through the park, etc.
        But for the most part I guess it’s just a lot of me time and that’s not so bad.

  4. angrybeeornottobee September 7, 2014 at 10:44 am #

    I had to leave dating sites after a few months on them. It felt like men who weren’t good enough for me were busy judging me. It made me feel bad about myself. I’ve since gone back on and I really don’t like it. They don’t necessarily see the real me.

    Don’t loose hope. I’m relying on good stuff happening to you so I can have hope for myself.

    • aprileb September 7, 2014 at 5:49 pm #

      Isn’t that crazy? That’s exactly how I feel. How dare they judge me when they are clearly all not worthy of me anyway. Maybe dating sites are more trouble than their worth.

      • angrybeeornottobee September 7, 2014 at 5:54 pm #

        Do you have any friends that could set you up on dates? I’ve recently moved to a new place and it’s opened up a new source of men for me to set my friends up with.

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