The lost “I love you”s

24 Aug

I’m tired.

I spent the past week dating like a crazy person. And when I wasn’t dating, I was swimming. Also tiring, although much more satisfying.

So tonight I climbed into bed early. Into freshly washed sheets. In a newly cleaned room. But I cannot sleep.

My mind has been on one of its wanders and has dredged up a memory that feels sweet and acutely painful all at once.

My ex and I struggled to sleep while cuddling. So we’d have a good snuggle up in bed (and sometimes more, although not on school nights since he decided it was too exhausting), then we’d say goodnight and fall asleep with just our feet touching. And as we turned over to our separate sides of the bed, we’d get comfy, then whisper, “I love you” to each other.

Ok, so it turns out he never meant it. But it felt real at the time.

In my opinion, everyone should end every day that they have here on this crazy planet by hearing “I love you” from someone.

Love is why we’re here. And however your day has gone, whatever the next day has in store, hearing “I love you” is the greatest reassurance that you’re meant to be here. It’s a promise. It’s praise. It’s someone feeling that your whole being that lies next to them is worthy and wanted. It’s someone missing you even for the seven or eight hours that you sleep.

Other than from my lovely friend Jennie, I haven’t heard “I love you” in over a year.

And you know what else? I haven’t said it either.

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4 Responses to “The lost “I love you”s”

  1. racheve August 24, 2014 at 9:56 pm #

    I hate the feeling that my ex didn’t love me even if only for a short period, I never felt unloved and that’s makes even more confusing. I miss being loved more than I miss hearing it. I hope someone misses you while you sleep soon.

    • theshanshuprophecy August 25, 2014 at 12:18 am #

      Mine used to send me texts that just said “I miss you” … I had to buy a new phone to try and get past not receiving sweet messages (it didn’t really work).

      The things they said that felt so real and warm and sweet at the time and the things that haunt the most and I wonder if I will ever believe anybody who says they love me, or miss me ever again.

  2. Leah September 2, 2014 at 1:38 pm #

    I read this article and it made me think of you. If you ever need someone to listen, feel free to call714-272-0040. I am in the US but please feel free to call.

    http://markmanson.net/love/

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    • aprileb September 2, 2014 at 1:48 pm #

      Great article – thank you!

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