I want to feel wanted

17 Aug

Irish Two and I went out on Friday night. As friends. Which is what we are these days. It’s actually nearly six months since we decided we were destined to be friends and stopped trying to be anything more. And stopped having sex. Sigh.

I don’t regret that we ended things. There are oh-so-many reasons that Irish Two is not right for me. Not least, he’s a sociopath. But when he started telling me about girls he’s been dating/having sex with, I felt a strange urge to scratch his face. 

Tinder has been good to him, delivering all manner of women who want to send him sexual pictures and meet up for sexual times. No big deal. He’s a dude. I get it. 

But then he told me, “I thought I’d met a nice girl.”

Emmm. Hello. You told me we weren’t compatible because I’m “too nice” and that you “didn’t want someone who’s nice to you.” Now you want a nice girl?

I told him this while knocking back a Negroni and trying to conceal my anger. 

I don’t want to be with Irish Two. But I don’t like feeling rejected. 

At least he had the good sense and sensitivity to say, “Sorry, do you not want to hear about this stuff?” Also, the “nice girl” he thought he had found then sent him a load of naked pictures and told him she’s sleeping with four different guys and doesn’t want a relationship.

I told him I don’t mind hearing tales of his dating mishaps. I guess the more I know about what he’s doing with other people the more it cements our relationship as “just good friends” which is all it can ever be. I need to be with someone who appreciates me for being nice. He is not that guy.

But why is it that when I know every reason we shouldn’t be together, I still want him to want me? Because I think that’s really what it boils down to. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel like someone of the male variety can look at me and think, “Wow, she’s so pretty and smart and funny and lovely. I want to have sex with her and also hold her hand and stroke her face and be with her forever.”

That’s what I thought my ex was thinking the whole time we were together. That’s what he told me he was thinking. But, as it happens, he just said those things. 

I have a date on Tuesday night with a dude from the eHarmony. 

At least I’m trying. 

 

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6 Responses to “I want to feel wanted”

  1. Anthony Rose August 17, 2014 at 10:39 pm #

    I would date you for fun loving conversation and giggles. Hugs extra.

    Keep going, the one is round the corner (it might be a long corner though).

  2. jadedwildcat August 18, 2014 at 2:37 am #

    sigh….

  3. jadedwildcat August 18, 2014 at 2:37 am #

    the above sigh is because i know how you’re feeling btw. =\

  4. openyoureyes145 August 18, 2014 at 6:19 pm #

    The problem is, when your love of your life gives up on you, that you need confirmation from other people to feel like you are wanted. I’ve been there. It passes, eventually, but kind of will always be there haunting you until someone doesn’t give up on you like you thought they would. It sounds like Irish Two has no idea what he wants and that he is kind of a jerk… But that need to feel wanted…. it’s so unyielding and annoying and I really feel for you. stupid romance.

    • aprileb August 18, 2014 at 6:23 pm #

      You’re spot on. It’s such a dent to your confidence and it’s scary to look out at the world and wonder if anyone even cares about you or wants you. After I was ill with my migraine all last week my Mum called me at the weekend and said she’d been worried about me and thinking about me. My mum! Of course she had! But I felt like crying just to know that somebody cared. Hmmm. You’re right. Stupid romance.

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