Should it feel the same?

30 Jul

I saw my therapist tonight. I’m only seeing her once a month now. Really as a way of saying goodbye more than anything. When I first showed up a blubbering mess on her doorstep back in September I didn’t think I would ever feel OK again. Now, I do (most of the time). And I owe much of that to her.

Anyway, tonight we talked about how busy I am at work, and with seeing friends and trying new hobbies. I told her I don’t have the energy to date right now. It feels too complicated, too much of an investment. And maybe there’s just nobody out there for me.

She asked me, “Would you like to meet someone?”

Yes. I want to meet someone. But, I explained, I can’t imagine feeling anything for anyone right now. I just need to trust that if the right person comes along then my feelings will kick in.

Then she asked, “Do you want it to feel like it did with your ex?”

Wow. That’s a question and a half.

Because – yes – falling in love with my ex made me the happiest that I’ve ever been in my life. It was so exciting. I felt so loved. I felt special and important and pretty and fun and like my whole future was falling into place.

And then, of course, he ate half a pizza and told me he had never been in love with me. So it was all fake. It didn’t mean what I thought it did. The feelings I experienced were real, but they were based on fantasy. So can I ever feel that way again? Should I ever feel that way again?

Only time will tell, buddies. And if I never feel that happy again, then maybe I’ll also never feel as low as I did after the pizza of doom.

That, my friends, would be what we call a silver lining.

4 Responses to “Should it feel the same?”

  1. luciddream85 July 30, 2014 at 9:04 pm #

    I just sat here and read your very first blog entry. You’ve come a long way my friend. Kudos to you for it. And to your therapist.

  2. jadedwildcat July 31, 2014 at 3:24 am #

    Definitely you have come a long way (agreeing with above!) I marvel at it all the time because I joined WP around the same time as you did, suffering my own sorts of agony…
    I have seen changes and growth in myself as of late but it feels like nothing compared to what you’ve endured and come through. Hugs. Be proud, April and know that we’ll all be rooting for you to find that silver lining (I hope I find mine too!)

    P.S. That is TOTALLY a crazy question, wondering if it should be like how it was with him… I wonder that myself, all the time… Maybe there’s a reason people say that no love is like another? *shrug* Maybe it is better that way… ~

  3. sirrdanni July 31, 2014 at 4:03 am #

    I really, really enjoy your blog.
    I love the way you write it!
    Congrats to you for coming so far in your endeavors!

    • aprileb July 31, 2014 at 7:02 am #

      Thank you so much! I’m glad you’re enjoying it and welcome to the pizza of doom community. x

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