The morning is my thinking time.
Before my brain gets all messed up with work and conversations and ‘to do’ lists, I enjoy my journey into work, sitting on the bus daydreaming. But my mind can go to some very odd places. I don’t always even realise what it’s up to, or what I’m thinking, until the thoughts resurface later in the day.
When I got off the bus this morning I was deep in a conversation with myself. I was asking myself, “Could you go through another break up like this?”.
So, could I?
Last year in the days of torture immediately after the pizza of doom, I remember a friend telling me that I’m someone who feels extreme highs and lows (he was right about this). He told me you’ve got to feel the lows to feel the highs (true story). And then he said, “Things will get good again. You’ll feel great again. And then something like this might happen all over again and you’ll feel low. But the highs will make it worthwhile.”
Ummm. No. I looked him straight in the eye (as much as I could with tears and mascara streaming from my face) and said, “I can never feel this bad again.”
I think I was right. I think the past year has taught me all sorts of resourcefulness, but has also taught me to protect myself. And listen to alarm bells. And not fall head-over-heels-over-head-over-heels for a man with robots tattooed up his arm.
I know I will most probably experience more failed relationships in my lifetime. But when I think back to August 2013, no. No. No. No. No.
I can never feel that bad again.
I can’t.
I won’t.
Pizza of Doom 
God. I never want to feel this way again either. I went through a decade of it with someone else before this too, and never thought it would happen again. I’ve got to do whatever it takes never to get hurt this bad again – EVER.
I think just being conscious of it helps, you know. We’ll get there, buddy. And it might not be smooth-sailing in the future, but we can definitely avoid getting this hurt ever again x
This is when we put up our defenses and love people from a distance. But you know what? It works.
I think I agree with you. Its a shame it has to be this way but I dont ever want to let down my guard ever again. It hurts too much.