Last year at this time I was with him in New York. I thought everything was OK. We were coming to the end of him working away for the summer. I felt kind of relieved, and just so damn excited for him to come home.
Of course I didn’t know that within a few hours of getting home he would break up with me.
Just writing that makes my stomach flip.
Because the time I spent in New York was obviously the final test. The final week that led him to feel completely sure: he didn’t want me.
The week that I used to leave him surprises of an ice cream variety in the freezer whenever I was out. And buy him stuff in the Penguin sale. And take photos everywhere I went of things I thought he’d like to see. The week I surprised him with tickets to Wicked. And had noisy sex on a creaky bed.
Ultimately, when I try and understand what I feel about that week is boils down to utter humiliation. With a capital H-UMILIATION. I travelled 4,000 miles to convince the person I loved that he had never been in love with me. Wow. I have such an effect on people. Go me.
It still hurts.
I’m doing so much better these days. I’m looking forward to passing the one-year mark. But I met an old friend for breakfast today, and out of my mouth plopped the words I haven’t yet been able to articulate.
“I’m scared that I’ll never be able to connect to someone else.”
How can I? A year ago in New York I thought I was kissing and hugging and sleeping with a man who loved me.
He didn’t.
Pizza of Doom 
Damn, okay so we are definitely having the same issue because that is a problem that tears me apart every single day, no matter how much progress I’ve made. Being alone now… well, it’s getting easier. Becoming routine I suppose. I try to ease my loneliness by assuring myself that a lot of guys still look at me when I go out and seem interested; express interest in wanting to get to know me.
But I too am so terrified because I don’t know how I’ll ever connect to someone else like I connected with M (or H). I feel like… I gave so much of ME away, what if there’s nothing left to give?
OR what if I do meet someone else I want to connect with and fall completely in love with — how will I ever feel capable of trusting someone else, knowing how badly I got crushed before?
I truly thought I’d met someone who wanted me for absolute life.
Never have I been so wrong, and that fear only seems to grow and grow…
Anyway, sorry April. Wish I had advice to give you instead of just reinforcing the fear. Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone with it though… x
Hey, it helps to know someone else feels the same, right? Sooner or later one of us is going to meet someone and give the other one hope. But it’s a f***ing terrifying thought.
I’m so sorry that this all happened to you. I love your writing style, Also, I nominated you for a Liebster Award! You can find out all about it here https://madisonlang.wordpress.com/2014/07/20/liebster-liebster-liebster/
Awwww, thank you so much! And thank you for reading x
always 😀 and your welcome 😀