Adventures on Tinder

16 Jun

Wow. What a sh** day.

Let me cheer everyone up by sharing my most recent Tindering news.

There’s no shortage of hot(ish) men on there. And plenty match with me. Plenty. But, holy smokes, are they all insane?

I’m going to break it down into four categories. As it happens, I don’t seem to attract the type who send lewd messages and penis pictures. No, no. Not the perverts. For me it’s just four categories of plain old crazy.

1. The Borefriends – they are quick to message as soon as we match. Keen to make a good impression and spark conversation they start with provocative statements like, “Hi!”. The more verbose stretch to, “Hi April!”. Or even, “How was your weekend?”. Indulge them in a response and you can be stuck in boring conversation for days which never, ever leads to an invitation for drinks. They seem to want only a chaste pen pal.

2. The Douches – they ask what they need to know up-front. Usually, “Just how small are you?”. Charming. This is followed up with the unfortunate and inevitable news that they live in South West London. Then, rather than ask me out, they say something like, “We really should try and grab a drink sometime.” Hmmm. Must we just try? We could actually do it.

3. The Stalkers – oh man. I thought the dude who sent me prerecorded voice messages was odd. I had no idea. A dude started messaging me on Friday. Pretty hot. Alright chat. By Saturday morning he had recounted every aspect of every relationship he’s ever had. He asked me about mine. Call me stupid, but I actually felt a sense of relief at just being honest about my poor broken heart. And he was super understanding. And kept telling me how pretty I am.

Then the photographs started. Photos of his flat. His kitchen. A room full of pianos. His car. His face. His face. His face. Each time looking less attractive and more like a f***ing serial killer.

Then he asked to hook up on Facebook. I actually responded, “Woah woah woah. We have never even met.”

After that I ignored all his messages last night detailing his trip to the gym.

But, damn me and my loneliness, while going through the worst of days at work today I messaged him and told him how awful I felt. Cue a barrage of messages and photos. And the revelation that he doesn’t actually have a job right now.

I don’t expect much these days. But a job, yes, that you need, potential boyfriends.

4. The Stupid Interrogators – I guess it’s supposed to be a chat up line. But what are you supposed to say to the guys who message, “Why are you still single?”

I find when you respond, “Nobody has ever loved me enough to want to stay with me,” you don’t get much back.

I know. I’m being a meanie. But Tinder is so spectacularly unrewarding past that little PING when you match.

At least if the perverts were interested I could maybe have some sex.

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4 Responses to “Adventures on Tinder”

  1. luciddream85 June 17, 2014 at 1:34 am #

    Damn. I don’t get those men. I get the Chubby chasers that are already married, like to beat on their women, or just want to get laid. None of which excite me in the least. It makes you feel like things are just hopeless. Who knows, in the end, you may be thankful you’re single.

  2. madisonlang June 17, 2014 at 1:10 pm #

    It’s the same with any app, there might be good men out there, but i’m not sure where. However if ever in need of a damn good laugh go read my posts. It will make you thankful you didn’t say yes to the potential serial killer (Just let me do that for you! lol)

    • aprileb June 17, 2014 at 1:26 pm #

      Well I’ve just been reading and thoroughly enjoying your blog while eating lunch at my desk. Why is everyone insane? Why why why?

      • madisonlang June 17, 2014 at 1:28 pm #

        I have no idea, but they really, really are. And thank you for enjoying it. 😀

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